Red Carpet Live Blog

This live blog is by Allison Ross of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: OK! I am signing off. Well, from my live-blogging duties. Jason is taking over from here so you can comment on his new thread above. I need to sit back and enjoy Hugh Jackman.

8:25: For The Love of Ray J, why am I not at the bar? That's where Judd Apatow, Jack Black and Seth Rogan are. THAT is the place to be.

8:15: ABC isn't quite as juicy as E! because there was something trainwreckalicious about Seacrest. Miley: "Angelina is my favorite person ever." Why am I not surprised?

8:08: Angelina Jolie does not seem to be playing along anymore. Unlike Brad Pitt, I never have a problem buying into her characters. More than anything, I’m always a little sidetracked by how pretty she is. I thought she was phenomenal in Gia and Girl, Interrupted. That is the Angelina Jolie that seems more real to me. Sure, she was great in A Mighty Heart and Changeling, but I prefer the darker (more real) side of her. She used to be so much fun on the red carpet – long kisses with her brother, dry-humping Billy Bob Thorton and all sorts of wild. Now, she has perfected the most icy of cuntfaces you’ll ever find. She barely mumbles a word to reporters, and when she does, her answers are laced with hate and her look says, “I will have to cleanse my perfect soul after answering such ignorant questions.”

8:05: OK, we have a Laef sighting. He LOVES Tim Gunn, as do I. I am very curious to see the interviewing tactics on ABC. Ryan was terrible. It was somewhat painful. P.S. Where the fuck was Jennifer Aniston on E!'s preshow? SJP: You are not French, and it looks like Matthew Broderick would rather be someplace else.

8:00: Laef is just now getting around to the blog. He is reading the comments and cracking up. Brad Pitt stopped for Ryan Seacrest, but you could tell he was like, GFY. You could hear Ryan Seacrest say, "Here comes Angelina..." and then his microphone faded out. She obviously ditched him. Holy crap, Alicia Keys looks glam. Going over to ABC!!

7:52: Gulianna needs new panties. She is clearly obsessed with the Jolie-Pitts.

7:50: Jessica Biel looks like shit. I know that sounds weird to say because she is not ugly by any means, but that dress is horrid. And what is going on with her hair and makeup? I feel like I could have done that. On the flip side, Kate Winslet is gorgeous. Her personality combined with her confidence and high cheek bones make her an actress that I can feel good about liking. She seems so normal and friendly. Plus, she forgot Jesus', er, Angelina's name at the Golden Globes.

7:45: I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not sure about his hat, but he kills it in every role he plays. I have an idea for next year. They should give Ryan Seacrest an earpiece. On the other end there will be someone with knowledge about the movies and nominees. They can feed him decent questions. Marion Cotillard is so pretty and I am really feeling this midnight blue that seems to be everywhere. Angelina has her cuntface on. As usual. I can not wait to see her talk to Ryan Seacrest. If he is so lucky. Her dress is boring as fuck.

7:40: So, I like Evan Rachel Wood's dress. The shape that is. Why on Earth would she wear a dress the same color of her skin? She was washed out. Oh fuck. The golden couple has arrived. Prepare for some SERIOUS awkwardness. Mark my words.

7:35: Did Ryan Seacrest pay Queen Latifah to say, "You are the busiest guy in Hollywood, huh?" Because now he has a safety net. He has too many things to think about, and it's clear. I LOVE the deep blue color of her dress. I LOVE Anne Hathaway's dress. It's probably not something I would pick out for myself right away, but it's so glamorous and pretty.

7:30: Alright, Ryan. I know you have 17 different jobs, but you really should do your research on the nominees. He seems to not know anything about the nominees that aren't consistently A-List (Marisa Tomei). I mean, it's awkward when he says things to them that are just wrong. Mickey Rourke did great. He's still somewhat sober. And, his suit wasn't horrible. It wasn't a tux, but good for him.

7:23: OMG. Is there a more awkward couple than Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick? They seemed completely uncomfortable together. I mean, we all know that our men don't know the difference between midnight blue and black (nor do they give a fuck), but do we need to hash that out on the red carpet?

7:20: Time out. Cruel Intentions is one of my favorite movies. I had no idea that Amy Adams was in that. Oh wait. It was Cruel Intentions 2. I did not see that. And, although I say I am boring, I really do like her necklace. OK, here we go with this Robert Pattinson guy. I don't get what all the fuss is about so let me see if I can figure it out. Well, he does have vampire teeth, which seems to have helped him.

7:15: Awww shit. Here comes Mickey Rourke and Seth Rogen. Surely they can make Ryan Seacrest WELL aware of how fucking dumb he is. Natalie Portman is perfection. She always looks so pretty. And, to top it off, she's smart. Love her. The Glamastrator is not working. They obviously aren't working together with Jay. He is talking about necklaces and they are showing legs, etc. Laef just claimed that Amy Adams in not hot.

7:05: OK, seriously. I like Taraji P. Henson, but under no circumstances should anyone every see your Spanx. ESPECIALLY at the Oscars.

6:58: Where the crap is Angelina? Jennifer?

6:55: I want whoever did Freida Pinto's makeup to do mine for my wedding. And, I've about enough of the awkwardness of Ryan asking them if they are dating. Let them love this moment! Heidi Klum: No. I am not loving that dress or all the jewelry. Also, it looks like she had her hair done by Zak Efron's hair stylist.

6:50: They should have had John Madden work the Glamastrator. I mean, is this a football game? Welcome to Hollywood, Slumdog Millionaire stars, where Ryan Seacrest asks you awkward questions about your personal life. I have to pee. And, I'm more stressed out than when I have to pee at work. Like, I am scared if I go to the bathroom, I will miss something and this will be the worst live blog ever.

6:48: Ryan Seacrest is a dick. He is ompletely unprepared for the Slumdog Millionaire kids interview. If it was fucking Pax, Shiloh, Knox, et al, he would have said their names AND spelled them out. Twice. Did he just ask a 7-year-old what kind of dress she is wearing?

6:45: I am sure this comes as no surprise, but Laef is unable to comment on the The Cooler because he is, um, playing some video game. The Sanch is also not interested. I am sweating because I'm trying to do four things at once and the laptop is really hot.

6:40: Ryan: FYI, I don't think Kevin Kline was serious when he said he watches American Idol.

6:30: I wonder if Ryan Seacrest is secretly jealous of Zac Efron's eyes. OK, Vanessa Hudgens is cute, but she is not even remotely close to looking like Audrey Hepburn tonight. Not feeling that dress. And, not feeling her, in general.

6:30: Wow. Ben Lyons just threw down the gauntlet on Nascar and the NBA. And P.S. I am already tired of Miley.

6:25: It is hard not to feel giddy for the stars of Slumdog Millionaire. They are still so unaffected by Hollywood. You can almost feel their overwhelming awe of being there.

6:20: Hugh Jackman: Yum. Funny, cute, smart. Really looking forward to all of the things he will bring to the table. AND he has a signal for his wife??? I likey. I wish he would have used his middle finger as his signal for Giuliana Rancic. Her diamond was ginormous.

6:05: Miley's dress looks like it might weigh 400 pounds. I like it. It's fun and sparkly and whimsical. Her hair is boring. I heard Ryan Seacrest on America's Top 40 this morning, listen to him every morning on my way to work, watch him on American Idol and see him on most awards shows. When does he sleep?

6:00: Well, here we go. I am excited to be blogging about everything there is to see on the red carpet. After reading my LaLa Land blog last night, my mom called to ask how I got credentials to live blog at the Oscars. I had to break the news to her that the live-blogging will be done from my couch in sweatpants. There is no way I would subject myself to the traffic that is sure to be congesting the intersection of Hollywood and Highland. Things I am looking forward to: Will Angelina snub Ryan? If she decides to speak to him, how bitchy will her bitchface look? Is it too much to ask Angie to revert to her old ways just once and dry hump Brad Pitt the way she did Billy Bob Thorton? What kind of gems will Mickey Rourke say on the red carpet? Will Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer walk the carpet together and will John give an answer that causes Jen to spank him later tonight?

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.