Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No. Just No.

A few days ago, when I resolved to quit teasing people and go ahead and write something about or related to Steve McQueen in 2009, this isn’t what I had in mind. Today, IGN reports, via Variety, that a Steve McQueen biopic is in the works, based on an adaptation of Marshall Terrill’s biography Steve McQueen: Portrait Of An American Rebel. The film will be produced by Paramount (probably). It will be directed by Who Knows? And it will star someone way the fuck out of his league.

If it isn’t apparent, I’m bitter about this news. I’m so upset, I don’t know whether to barf or cry. Depending on who gets cast to play the King of Cool, I might try both simultaneously. Because, let’s be honest: McQueen wasn’t the most gifted actor, but there’s been no one quite like him before or since. There isn’t a mustache you can put on to look like him. There isn’t an accent you can use to sound like him. There aren’t any tics or gestures you can use to imitate him. So, to be Steve McQueen, you’ve got to be blond, blue-eyed and 100-percent fucking cool. In fact, come to think of it, blond and blue-eyed are optional.

Good luck, Hollywood. Good luck finding that guy. I know who you’re going to ask to play the part. Daniel Craig. Because if you watch Craig’s fast driving in the past few Bourne, I mean, Bond movies, and if you squint a bit, and if you imagine Craig in a turtleneck, well, you’ve got Frank Bullitt, and thus you’ve got an approximation of McQueen. But can’t we just remake Bullitt? Please? I’m begging you here. Hey, you remade The Thomas Crown Affair. I didn’t complain. Heck, make another Cincinnati Kid. Poker is huge these days. Again, I’m begging you! And you’ll make lots of money. And you don’t have to give me credit for the idea. Instead, just keep your hands off The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven and the great and magnificent Steve McQueen.

Oh, Hollywood. Cold, cruel Hollywood. In the coming months, I’ll have to endure the headlines about how Craig has passed on the project because he’s too busy filming Bond. And now Mark Wahlberg is on tap. Or Keifer Sutherland. Or maybe Vince Vaughn – let’s make it a comedy. This whole thing is a joke.

Yeah, I want to see McQueen on the big screen. At the revival house. Period.


Fox said...

Wow. I can't wait to see who gets the slot.

I am betting that you are on to something with Wahlberg. It just feels like that's the one.

Richard Bellamy said...

Oh, why, oh, why did you have to say the dreaded name, "Mark Wahlberg"? Because "jesters oft turn prophets." Though - Hollywood is populated with legions of unknown actors - some with the talent - and maybe the looks - to pull it off.