Sunday, February 22, 2009

Red Carpet Live Blog


This live blog is by Allison Ross of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: OK! I am signing off. Well, from my live-blogging duties. Jason is taking over from here so you can comment on his new thread above. I need to sit back and enjoy Hugh Jackman.

8:25: For The Love of Ray J, why am I not at the bar? That's where Judd Apatow, Jack Black and Seth Rogan are. THAT is the place to be.

8:15: ABC isn't quite as juicy as E! because there was something trainwreckalicious about Seacrest. Miley: "Angelina is my favorite person ever." Why am I not surprised?

8:08: Angelina Jolie does not seem to be playing along anymore. Unlike Brad Pitt, I never have a problem buying into her characters. More than anything, I’m always a little sidetracked by how pretty she is. I thought she was phenomenal in Gia and Girl, Interrupted. That is the Angelina Jolie that seems more real to me. Sure, she was great in A Mighty Heart and Changeling, but I prefer the darker (more real) side of her. She used to be so much fun on the red carpet – long kisses with her brother, dry-humping Billy Bob Thorton and all sorts of wild. Now, she has perfected the most icy of cuntfaces you’ll ever find. She barely mumbles a word to reporters, and when she does, her answers are laced with hate and her look says, “I will have to cleanse my perfect soul after answering such ignorant questions.”

8:05: OK, we have a Laef sighting. He LOVES Tim Gunn, as do I. I am very curious to see the interviewing tactics on ABC. Ryan was terrible. It was somewhat painful. P.S. Where the fuck was Jennifer Aniston on E!'s preshow? SJP: You are not French, and it looks like Matthew Broderick would rather be someplace else.

8:00: Laef is just now getting around to the blog. He is reading the comments and cracking up. Brad Pitt stopped for Ryan Seacrest, but you could tell he was like, GFY. You could hear Ryan Seacrest say, "Here comes Angelina..." and then his microphone faded out. She obviously ditched him. Holy crap, Alicia Keys looks glam. Going over to ABC!!

7:52: Gulianna needs new panties. She is clearly obsessed with the Jolie-Pitts.

7:50: Jessica Biel looks like shit. I know that sounds weird to say because she is not ugly by any means, but that dress is horrid. And what is going on with her hair and makeup? I feel like I could have done that. On the flip side, Kate Winslet is gorgeous. Her personality combined with her confidence and high cheek bones make her an actress that I can feel good about liking. She seems so normal and friendly. Plus, she forgot Jesus', er, Angelina's name at the Golden Globes.

7:45: I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not sure about his hat, but he kills it in every role he plays. I have an idea for next year. They should give Ryan Seacrest an earpiece. On the other end there will be someone with knowledge about the movies and nominees. They can feed him decent questions. Marion Cotillard is so pretty and I am really feeling this midnight blue that seems to be everywhere. Angelina has her cuntface on. As usual. I can not wait to see her talk to Ryan Seacrest. If he is so lucky. Her dress is boring as fuck.

7:40: So, I like Evan Rachel Wood's dress. The shape that is. Why on Earth would she wear a dress the same color of her skin? She was washed out. Oh fuck. The golden couple has arrived. Prepare for some SERIOUS awkwardness. Mark my words.

7:35: Did Ryan Seacrest pay Queen Latifah to say, "You are the busiest guy in Hollywood, huh?" Because now he has a safety net. He has too many things to think about, and it's clear. I LOVE the deep blue color of her dress. I LOVE Anne Hathaway's dress. It's probably not something I would pick out for myself right away, but it's so glamorous and pretty.

7:30: Alright, Ryan. I know you have 17 different jobs, but you really should do your research on the nominees. He seems to not know anything about the nominees that aren't consistently A-List (Marisa Tomei). I mean, it's awkward when he says things to them that are just wrong. Mickey Rourke did great. He's still somewhat sober. And, his suit wasn't horrible. It wasn't a tux, but good for him.

7:23: OMG. Is there a more awkward couple than Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick? They seemed completely uncomfortable together. I mean, we all know that our men don't know the difference between midnight blue and black (nor do they give a fuck), but do we need to hash that out on the red carpet?

7:20: Time out. Cruel Intentions is one of my favorite movies. I had no idea that Amy Adams was in that. Oh wait. It was Cruel Intentions 2. I did not see that. And, although I say I am boring, I really do like her necklace. OK, here we go with this Robert Pattinson guy. I don't get what all the fuss is about so let me see if I can figure it out. Well, he does have vampire teeth, which seems to have helped him.

7:15: Awww shit. Here comes Mickey Rourke and Seth Rogen. Surely they can make Ryan Seacrest WELL aware of how fucking dumb he is. Natalie Portman is perfection. She always looks so pretty. And, to top it off, she's smart. Love her. The Glamastrator is not working. They obviously aren't working together with Jay. He is talking about necklaces and they are showing legs, etc. Laef just claimed that Amy Adams in not hot.

7:05: OK, seriously. I like Taraji P. Henson, but under no circumstances should anyone every see your Spanx. ESPECIALLY at the Oscars.

6:58: Where the crap is Angelina? Jennifer?

6:55: I want whoever did Freida Pinto's makeup to do mine for my wedding. And, I've about enough of the awkwardness of Ryan asking them if they are dating. Let them love this moment! Heidi Klum: No. I am not loving that dress or all the jewelry. Also, it looks like she had her hair done by Zak Efron's hair stylist.

6:50: They should have had John Madden work the Glamastrator. I mean, is this a football game? Welcome to Hollywood, Slumdog Millionaire stars, where Ryan Seacrest asks you awkward questions about your personal life. I have to pee. And, I'm more stressed out than when I have to pee at work. Like, I am scared if I go to the bathroom, I will miss something and this will be the worst live blog ever.

6:48: Ryan Seacrest is a dick. He is ompletely unprepared for the Slumdog Millionaire kids interview. If it was fucking Pax, Shiloh, Knox, et al, he would have said their names AND spelled them out. Twice. Did he just ask a 7-year-old what kind of dress she is wearing?

6:45: I am sure this comes as no surprise, but Laef is unable to comment on the The Cooler because he is, um, playing some video game. The Sanch is also not interested. I am sweating because I'm trying to do four things at once and the laptop is really hot.

6:40: Ryan: FYI, I don't think Kevin Kline was serious when he said he watches American Idol.

6:30: I wonder if Ryan Seacrest is secretly jealous of Zac Efron's eyes. OK, Vanessa Hudgens is cute, but she is not even remotely close to looking like Audrey Hepburn tonight. Not feeling that dress. And, not feeling her, in general.

6:30: Wow. Ben Lyons just threw down the gauntlet on Nascar and the NBA. And P.S. I am already tired of Miley.

6:25: It is hard not to feel giddy for the stars of Slumdog Millionaire. They are still so unaffected by Hollywood. You can almost feel their overwhelming awe of being there.

6:20: Hugh Jackman: Yum. Funny, cute, smart. Really looking forward to all of the things he will bring to the table. AND he has a signal for his wife??? I likey. I wish he would have used his middle finger as his signal for Giuliana Rancic. Her diamond was ginormous.

6:05: Miley's dress looks like it might weigh 400 pounds. I like it. It's fun and sparkly and whimsical. Her hair is boring. I heard Ryan Seacrest on America's Top 40 this morning, listen to him every morning on my way to work, watch him on American Idol and see him on most awards shows. When does he sleep?

6:00: Well, here we go. I am excited to be blogging about everything there is to see on the red carpet. After reading my LaLa Land blog last night, my mom called to ask how I got credentials to live blog at the Oscars. I had to break the news to her that the live-blogging will be done from my couch in sweatpants. There is no way I would subject myself to the traffic that is sure to be congesting the intersection of Hollywood and Highland. Things I am looking forward to: Will Angelina snub Ryan? If she decides to speak to him, how bitchy will her bitchface look? Is it too much to ask Angie to revert to her old ways just once and dry hump Brad Pitt the way she did Billy Bob Thorton? What kind of gems will Mickey Rourke say on the red carpet? Will Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer walk the carpet together and will John give an answer that causes Jen to spank him later tonight?

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.

98 comments:

hokahey said...

I'm there.

Allison said...

So, what you are saying is that you don't condone how many times I say Fuck?

I will be good. Sort of.

Jason Bellamy said...

Fuck that. Do your thing.

The disclaimer is for when you to call someone by your other favorite colorful expression.

Whitney said...

Ah yes, I've been called that one. :) Looking forward to the live coverage.

Whitney said...

I hate Miley Cyrus. Surprised she's not making out, err, walking with her mullet dad.

Jason Bellamy said...

It's five minutes in and on E!'s coverage I've heard the word "preggers," and I've heard Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston put in the same sentence as ... Nicole Richie?

It can only get better from here.

Allison said...

I hate Miley too. If Angelina was pregnant, I would have quit.

AJ said...

Why is Miley there? Does she know noone likes her?

Lamb said...

tell that kid to get a haircut

Jason Bellamy said...

Jennifer Grey: Best positive result from a nose job ever?

AJ said...

According to In Touch...doctors told Angelina not to have any more babies...too dangerous.

Whitney said...

Hugh is wonderful. Did you see the bathing scene in Australia? Yum. WTF is Zac Efron doing with his hair? Did he just get out of the shower?

Lamb said...

wow, Vanessa. great interview. not.

Allison said...

Lamb: Thank you.

Jason: OMG! I was trying to write and figure out who that was. Jennifer Grey!! Looks great.

Jason Bellamy said...

Fucking Seacrest. I'll tell you what Kevin Kline was thinking: "Will this dildo stop talking to us anytime soon?"

Brittany said...

My, my...you are the new Juliana..only pretty and not orange...and not with a horsetail for hair.

Ben Hameen said...

Ashlee Simpson is a close second to Jennifer Grey's nose job.

Lamb said...

im still bothered that julianna (sp?) is married to that prick from the apprentice. deduct cool points now.

Jason Bellamy said...

"Everyone wants a piece of Madonna's after party."

Um. Er.

Lamb said...

please let there be a tampon commercial so i feel uncomfortable because im a girl.

Ben Hameen said...

Giuliana Rancic needs to eat a sandwich. Preferably one with strychnine.

Jason Bellamy said...

Ben: Ashlee Simpson is in the Angelina Jolie class: it upgraded her, but she still looks like the same person. Jennifer Grey doesn't even look like the same woman.

Lamb said...

Ben: E! was telling us earlier about her detox plan she does before shows like this.

1) like i give a fuck what she does
2) WHAT the hell is she detoxing? you have to consume to detox.

Brittany said...

Ok, E!'s commercials are ridic.

Allison said...

Wait. Who detoxes? Asslee? She weighs like four pounds. The preview for Girls Next Door is a little anti-climatic seeing as they've all been banging dudes for the past four months.

Lamb said...

jesus, ryan. "because i cant pronounce them"

how American of you.

Jason Bellamy said...

Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest, I'm interviewing the kids from "Slumdog Millionaire" and I'm proud to be ignorant. Have you seen me smile lately?

Whitney said...

Ryan = retard.

Those kids are precious though!

Lamb said...

kate winslet gets prettier with age.

dont hit me, but i didnt think she was hot in the titanic. like, not even remotely.

Brittany said...

Ryan S. eats babies.

AJ said...

Damn the conflicting edit errors! I was bashing Ryan and his "see, she speaks good English" comment. What an ass. BTW Ass/Ryan, you should have said "she speaks English well" if you wanted to sound like you do.

Allison said...

Ryan is mad because he's the same height as all those kids.

Lamb said...

id F that bald dude in the background with the glasses on. he just seems like fun.

Lamb said...

freda's (sp?) skin is perfection. i have to hate her

AJ said...

Ryan's totally sucking ass at the Slumdog interviews.

AJ said...

Okay Lamb...Bald Dude but not Kate in Titanic? I don't get it.

Lamb said...

i heart wavy updos. ARoss, take note for the wedding.

Lamb said...

aj - my standards for girls are ridiculously high. its a good thing im not a lesbian or id be single for life.

chris said...

does anyone else think dev patel looks like linguini from ratatouille? i know he's animated, and french, but still...

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1948422912/tt0382932

Jason Bellamy said...

I'd feel pretty safe in betting one of my testicles that Ryan Seacrest didn't really see "Frozen River."

AJ said...

Okay, Ryan's an even bigger dick for his awful slumdog interviews now that we know they were all practicing their English for the interviews.

AJ said...

Ummm, did Meryl Streep just get called a 500 lb gorilla?

Allison said...

AJ: Seriously. I can't even write about it anymore. Seems weird that he was so ignorant about everything considering it will likely win for best picture.

Lamb said...

my body will look like Heidis too after having kids. totally doable.

Lamb said...

amy adams = GORGEOUS

AJ said...

OMG Ryan, are you trying to win an award for worst questions of the evening? Asking about how many times Kate and Leo said "this one time, on the Titanic set.." was awful.

Allison said...

Lamb: Laef said, "Who is Amy Adams?"

Lamb said...

punch him in the face.

Jason Bellamy said...

Nothing is worse for this guy than seeing Josh Brolin and knowing that Diane Lane is RIGHT THERE, except that she's covered up by the pop-up window that is Ryan Seacrest's inane interview of the moment. Painful! The pop-up box couldn't go on the other side? Who cares that Brolin is nominated for an award (terrific performance, by the way)!

Lamb said...

wait, laef said amy adams is NOT hot? tell him my internet lust for him is OVER.

Jason Bellamy said...

Is this "Twilight" guy really that dreamy?

Jason Bellamy said...

Are those Manson-era tattoos on Evan Rachel Wood's back? A relationship to remember for all time.

Whitney said...

SJP = horseface

AJ said...

Wait, I thought SJP and her hubs had called it quits? Her hair is fab though.

AJ said...

Damn Natalie Portman. I want to hate her.

Lamb said...

not a fan of Natalie's hair tonight.

Brittany said...

Dude, if E! doesn't start doing full body shots of the dresses, i will throat punch Ryan.

Allison said...

Lamb: yes, her hair is boring. She is so pretty it doesn't matter, but she could have done more.

I am not feeling the whole Robert Pattinson thing. I think I'm old. Cuz I also don't feel the whole Zac Efron thing.

SJP would be cooler if she were Carrie Bradshaw.

Lamb said...

SJP would be cooler if she were Carrie Bradshaw.

^^^^^^
hahahAHAHAHha
get out of my fucking head

Jason Bellamy said...

Nice, Seacrest. "Was that 1993?" Yeah, it was. And Tomei was also nominated in 2001. Nice job, pal.

AJ said...

Mickey is so sweet with his necklace.

Brolin and Lane are still a wierd couple to me.

Lamb said...

how Fing amazing is Arrested Development?

SO Fing amazing!

Ben Hameen said...

Is Evan Rachel Wood pushing for a role in the next "Twilight" movie? She looks like she hasn't seen the sun in years.

Ben Hameen said...

I'll be the first to say it: Jessica Biel is a butterface.

Erin said...

Seacrest to Mickey Rourke: "incredible irony in having lost lokey and also being nominated for this academy award" - what?? how the fuck is that ironic? I have watched this for 2 minutes and am already wanting to smack seacrest.

Ben Hameen said...

Rancic screams like a 12 year old when Brad and Angelina show up. How the fuck does she still have a job?

whitney said...

Ben, nice call. I'm gonna call her lemon butterface because she looks so sour.

I'm not a fan of "G", but I do enjoy that she just screamed over Brangelina. Nice to know she gets star struck too.

Allison said...

Ben: Jessica Beil (sp?) does not look like a movie star.

Erin: THANK you. I am trying to type to many things and did not get to hit on that? WTF does that even mean????

AJ said...

Erin: I think Ryan meant to use the word 'bittersweet' but he's too much of an idiot to know the difference or have any reasonable grasp of the English language.

I hope Jennifer Aniston out-hots Angelina tonight. Ange's hair is a little tall, not sure if I like it or not, we'll have to see if from the front.

Erin said...

I think Rachel Evans Wood just called Seacrest gay. He "shouldn't know that much" about her perfume? ha!

Allison said...

BEN!! Here's your girl!

Ben Hameen said...

Penelope Cruz looks like she belongs in one of those Sobe commercials.

Ben Hameen said...

Angie just ditched Brad to take some solo photos. Priceless.

Ben Hameen said...

Beyonce looks like she forgot to schedule a hair appointment for tonight. Seriously, did that take five minutes to do?

AJ said...

ARoss: Totally agree on Ange. Wear something besides a black slinky dress slut.

Ben: I loved that she ditched him. She's such a bitch. I'm still hoping Aniston looks hotter.

Brittany said...

PLease stop showing Jessica Beil, unless she is up for an oscer for her role in I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry that I don't know about. She has such a bitch face.

Whitney said...

Oscar drinking game: http://www.tvguide.com/News/Oscars-Drinking-Game-1003143.aspx

Ben Hameen said...

Try closing off the "strikethru" HTML tag, sweetheart.

Allison said...

Ben: GFY. I did.

Ben Hameen said...

I never would have known it was Kate Winslet on the cover of that TIME Magazine. That was some serious Photoshop work.

Erin said...

I get the impression all of Hollywood hates Seacrest. The disdain on Robert Downey's face is beautiful.

AJ said...

ABC is not as entertaing as Ryan.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh darn, no more ben fucking lyons to listen to. for shame that fuckface even has a job.

Laef said...

Best dressed of the night = Tim Gunn

Big surprise.

Lamb: Amy Adams is just a run-of-the-mill firecrotch. Just because she can afford to dermafreeze off all of her freckles doesn't make her a non-ginger.

Who would win in a fight: Ryan or Angelina?

Ben Hameen said...

Angie would dominate Seacrest, whether it was in a fight or in the bedroom. She'd have to strap on for him, though, 'cause that's how he rolls...

Stephanie said...

Can't believe you sucked me in to getup and hit refresh every 5 minutes. I sholuld've been watching ABC the whole time. Seacrest is a douche bag.

AJ said...

Laef: I might have to hate on you, too....what's with the freckle hate?

Laef said...

AJ: I don't have freckle hate. I was simply saying that just because she had her freckles bleached, she's still a red-head. It's like she's trying to hide who she is.

And I just don't think she's hot at all.

Ben Hameen said...

Glenn Close's daughter is hot. I hope she's 18, otherwise I'd feel dirty.

Allison said...

AJ: Seriously. I am freckled from head to toe.

Allison said...

Ben: Did you mean Meryl Streep's daughter? And, yes, she is pretty.

Ben Hameen said...

Yes, I did. Total brain fart. But Glenn Close's daughter is hot too.

Allison said...

Did you google her? Are you sure?

Ben Hameen said...

OK I take that back. She's kind of freaky looking. http://www2.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/2007+National+Board+Review+Awards+Gala+UZHzMidg7n9l.jpg

Allison said...

HAHA. I hadn't actually googled her. She is cute. But, yeah, kinda weird.

AJ said...

Nice job ARoss!

Mark said...

This was great live-blogging ARoss, made even better by the awesome comments. You guys all crack me up.

We Tivo'd the Oscars and so I started late and just now finished reading the red carpet posts. Heading over now to check out Jason's main-show commentary.

Thanks for the laughs.

asit6 said...

I was driving down from Portland during the broadcast, so I'm just now getting around to watching the show, nevermind the red carpet (though the 3 hours I forward through Ryan Seacrest for Idol is more than enough so I'm not terribly sorry to have missed the pre-show).

Natalie Portman - Always looks stunning. Always. And, right, she's smart. Love her.

Hugh Jackman - Top 5.

Amy Adams - I don't get it. She's pretty, but average. I don't even know where "hot" comes in.

Brangelina - Good for you for saving the world and its children. I can't completely dislike you for doing what you do with the resources that you have...but, they have no appeal for me, really, I almost avoid seeing anything they might be in. That might be more the Ryan Seacrests of the world's fault though. Team Aniston all the way, haven't seen her yet, but I REALLY hope she looked great.

Robert Downey Jr. - Love him too. Danny on Idol reminds me of him.

Jennifer Grey - How can her nose job be the "best positive result from a nose job ever" when nobody even recognizes/knows who she is after it? I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing when you're a celebrity that no one recognizes. Have I missed something, other than an episode of "Friends" what has she done since the nose job?


Miley Cyrus - Go away. And take the Jonas Brothers with you.


Ok....gonna go watch now.