83rd Academy Awards Live Blog

A full transcript of a very forgettable night is below. Read bottom to top.

82nd Academy Awards Live Blog

(All times Eastern | Remember to refresh often)

12:02: That's all, folks. I'm happy The Hurt Locker took the prize. Thanks to everyone who stopped by and left comments or just followed along. This blogger has to be up in five hours, so I'm off to bed. But keep leaving your thoughts in the comments section.

12:00: Kathryn Bigelow is losing her mind on stage right now.

11:59: Wait, are there two Mark Boals on stage?

11:58: Holy fuck! Tom Hanks walks on stage, says "The Hurt Locker" and it's over. Just like that.

11:58: And she made it through her acceptance speech without some obligatory thank you to James Cameron! Awesome!

11:57: The best tribute to Bigelow isn't the award. It's that Mark Boal had tears running down his face after her win and not his own. That says something.

11:55: Kathryn Bigelow wins Best Director and gets felt up by Barbara Streisand.

11:54: And we're back!

11:53: Best Director time ... and my TV just cut out!

11:52: The performance that got Sandra Bullock an Oscar wasn't all that special. But the acceptance speech was. For a moment, I just forgot I had to endure Oprah tonight.

11:49: "Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?" Wow. That felt painfully honest.

11:49: And heeeeeeeeeeeere's Sandy.

11:47: What was Sean Penn just babbling about?

11:45: In “our” movie Precious. Right, Oprah. You had nothing to do with that film until it was over. Barf.

11:44: Fucking Oprah.

11:40: OK. Fantasy over. Time for Sandypalooza.

11:40: Carey Mulligan rocks. I’m going to close my eyes for 2 seconds and pretend she’s about to win.

11:38: Wait, so if they’re going to do the actor-to-actor tributes for the ladies, who is going down memory lane about Gabourey Sidibe?

11:37: I think Jeff Bridges got possessed by The Dude halfway through his acceptance speech, but his comments about his parents were nice, man.

11:33: Jeff Bridges, it’s your moment. Enjoy it.

11:31: Those actor-to-actor tributes had their rough spots, but they ripped tonight’s broadcast out of its boring formula. For the first time tonight, I’m happy to be watching. And Kate Winslet is on stage. That doesn't suck.

11:29: Tim Robbins comes up with an (obviously fictional) anecdote that's 10 times funnier than anything the hosts came up with tonight in his tribute to Morgan Freeman. Good stuff.

11:26: Seeing Jeff Bridges’ eyes getting just a little misty during Michelle Pfeiffer’s tribute was the highlight of the night so far.

11:20: OK, so in many ways this Academy Awards is just like any other, but I have the distinct feeling that everyone thinks tonight's Oscar night is especially sucky. So what’s the reason? Poor hosts? A reflection of the films? A reflection of the fact that we all feel we’ve known the winners for the past two months? A lack of magic moments? Something else? All of the above?

11:17: Crap. I just missed which film won Best Foreign Film. I suck. I blame the fact that the grocery store didn’t have double chocolate milanos. I’m off my game. Sorry. I just know it wasn't The White Ribbon, which I still plan to review at some point.

11:15: Best Foreign Film time. Quentin Tarantino just said "France" like “Fronce” – you know, Alex Trebek style. You’d almost think he was cultured, until you remember that he has the Pussy Wagon parked at his house.

11:14: It pains me that Steve Martin is so not funny tonight.

11:10: Keanu Reeves announces the Best Picture montage for The Hurt Locker. If you could go back to about 1992, wouldn’t you bet that Reeves, and not John Cusack, would someday star in a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine? What happened?

11:07: Best Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. The guy seems to be doing his impersonation of Skippy from Family Ties.

11:05: When Tyler Perry said his name will probably never be mentioned again at the Oscars, did he think the joke was on the Academy?

11:01: Best Documentary goes to one of the two nominees I've seen, The Cove (the other being Food, Inc). I always intended to review that movie and never got around to it. There are some really exhilarating cinematic moments in there, which is pretty impressive considering that many were shot on hidden cameras.

10:55: Avatar wins Best Special Effects. This seems as good a time as any to make this observation: One line of reasoning says that Avatar will win Best Picture tonight because it’ll further validate the 3D craze that’s pumping money into a supposedly struggling movie industry. (See: Alice in Wonderland’s $210 million opening weekend.) That makes sense (and cents). But there’s nothing good about James Cameron winning Best Director, right? Unless the Academy is trying to validate blowhards, I mean.

10:53: The winner for Best Score just stole a story out of Steven Spielberg's biography for his acceptance speech.

10:51: I’m not the only one who used the interpretive dance portion to go to the bathroom, right?

10:47: Seriously, Jenny hasn't been on the block this much since 2002. What's with all the J-Lo love tonight? Halle Berry (you know, the Oscar winner) needs a new agent.

10:45: OK. I really hate it when a film’s success is held against it. But, honestly, when’s the last time you’ve thought about Slumdog Millionaire?

10:41: Oscar learns from last year’s mistake and only shows us the performer, James Taylor, to open and close the In Memoriam portion. Of course, that does nothing for Patrick Swayze fans, who had to squint to see his tribute.

10:40: Michael Jackson? Come on!

10:37: How can I ogle Demi Moore when she’s brought on to announce the In Memoriam section? Not cool.

10:35: Sandra Bullock goes through the Best Cinematography nominees like she’s driving the bus on Speed. Avatar wins, of course. Another guy in a tux thanks James Cameron.

10:29: Elizabeth Banks does the “Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible” recognition of the technical awards banquet. This banquet is always hosted by a pretty, young actress, probably because it’s a sausage fest. Next year I think they should hire Zac Efron just to show the nerds who’s boss.

10:28: Some other guy wins Best Sound Mixing for The Hurt Locker. And 95 percent of viewers still don’t understand the difference between the last two categories.

10:25: A guy who looks like a combination of Karl in Die Hard and Scotty in Boogie Nights wins Best Sound Editing for The Hurt Locker. Good for him.

10:23: So a year later the Oscars are still trying to appease fans of The Dark Knight with a making-of featurette on sound editing and mixing. Curious.

10:20: Honestly, I promise you that every audience gasped more frequently during Precious than during Silence of the Lambs. So I guess that means it's horror, according to this montage.

10:19: Thanks to the horror movie montage for inadvertently plugging the Steve McQueen Blog-a-thon with shots from The Blob.

10:18: OK. The Paranormal Activity riff was pretty funny. Maybe Martin and Baldwin should have prerecorded their entire hosting gig.

10:12: Thousands of people add Precious to their Netflix queues after its Best Picture montage somehow manages to include every uplifting moment in the film. Suckers.

10:11: Wow. The winner of Best Costume Design is so bored of winning Oscars that she’s practically ready to drop off hers at Goodwill tonight. I like the idea of not taking these awards too seriously, but that was almost offensively dismissive, wasn't it?

10:06: Best Art Direction time. I like this category. Avatar wins. Somewhere Jim Emerson is weeping. But I gotta say: Pandora in 3D was spectacular.

10:01: I’m glad that black actors and actresses are finally getting Oscar recognition; deservingly so. But Hollywood underlines its whiteness each year when the Oscar broadcast inevitably goes hunting for dark skinned faces and only finds a few. It’s like a Republican National Convention in there.

9:59: As I said in my review, Mo’Nique delivered a performance to remember in the film I’d love to forget. Very deserving win.

9:56: Best Supporting Actress time. Ro’bin Will’iams comes on to read the names of the nominees, including heavily favored Mo’Nique.

9:52: Queen Latifah is charming and all, but she’s also a sign of the many decades that went by without any decent roles for black women. She gets treated like she’s the female Sidney Poitier or something. It’s embarrassing.

9:50: Best Adapted Screenplay time. And Precious wins. Good lord. I’m so upset. I feel like I’m obese and illiterate and my dad raped me and now I’ve just found out I have AIDS. How should I channel this disappointment? Oh! I remember! “Write! Write!”

9:46: Time for a mini-rant: Look, the whole celebrity worship thing is totally out of whack in this country. But the Coens do their “we don’t give a damn” shtick to an equally immature degree, if you ask me. Face it, guys. You're in the game. Play it.

9:44: Just saw a clip from A Serious Man. Am I correct that only Ethan Coen has bothered to show up tonight? Does Joel have a good excuse? Or did I just miss him?

9:41: After some goofy fun with Ben Stiller dressed as one of the Na’vi, the crew from Star Trek wins Best Makeup. Exactly how much makeup was in that movie, other than Spock’s ears?

9:37: The acceptance speech for Best Live Short goes to two guys who simultaneously win the award for Most Uncomfortable on Stage.

9:35: So a possibly poignant acceptance speech for Documentary Short gets interrupted by a woman who scolds the man for talking while overlooking her own poor etiquette. She acts like a party crasher but isn't, I guess. That was unfortunate.

9:34: Best Documentary Short goes to Music by Prudence. And what the fuck is going on …?

9:30: Best Animated Short time. I’ve seen exactly none of these, except an excerpt from Logorama, which wins as predicted. Nice gimmick, I guess.

9:25: I hate to go here, but was anyone else thinking about Macaulay Culkin’s childhood friendship with Michael Jackson as he was driving the point home about how John Hughes respected him?

9:23: I think Dr. Drew just saw all those John Hughes alums on stage and got an idea for a new reality show.

9:20: I can’t decide if that montage of John Hughes movies makes me grateful I’ll never have to be a teenager again or suicidal that I’m now a soulless adult.

9:17: Molly Ringwald takes the stage. Must be time to pay tribute to her dead career. Oops. Wrong again. It’s time for a John Hughes tribute.

9:16: And Jason Reitman wins Best Original Screenplay. Oops. Nope. That’s Mark Boal. This is a big win for everyone hoping that Avatar won’t win Best Picture tonight.

9:15: Could Inglourious Basterds get some love here? Pretty please.

9:13: Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr., provide the first genuine laughs of the night before reading the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. J-Lo covers her mouth laughing … but I think that’s her continued amazement that she’s sitting so close to the stage.

9:11: The Academy Awards … providing courtesy laughs from A-listers!

9:09: By the way: One of the Best Original Song winners said he loves his wife “more than rainbows.” No word on if she loves him more than unicorns. But I sure hope so.

9:05: “There are a lot of secrets in District 9.” One of them is that after a promising start, the film is reduced to a mindless action flick.

9:04: You knew Crazy Heart would bring home a Best Song statuette. And it does. Great music. Good film.

9:02: In the montage for the Best Song category, I lose 10 more seconds of my life to Nine. Damn.

9:00: Miley Cyrus insists that both she and Amanda Seyfried are nervous, but only Hannah Montanta is stumbling over herself.

8:58: Best Animated Feature Film goes to Up. Doug the dog rules! And Wes Anderson fans everywhere are smashing their monogrammed luggage.

8:52: So as they went to commercial, I think I caught a shot of Demi Moore sitting next to an obvious seat-filler. It looked like a new trailer for the cougar version of She’s Out of My League.

8:50: Classy acceptance speech for Waltz. I am content. Let the shit break loose.

8:49: Christoph wins! “Uber-bingo!” Yes!

8:48: OK, that Hans Landa montage makes me want to turn off the Academy Awards and watch Inglourious Basterds right now. But …

8:47: Best Supporting Actor time. It should be Christoph Waltz. It will be Christoph Waltz. If it isn’t Christoph Waltz I’m quitting the live blog. This is the only award tonight to which I’m emotionally attached.

8:44: Wow. I never thought I’d say this: Bring back Whoopi Goldberg. That was a rough opening.

8:40: Sam Worthington is not laughing. Sadly, I’m not either.

8:38: OK. So basically the producers of the Academy Awards said, “You know how the banter between awards presenters is always forced and lame?” Let’s play that up by having two hosts! Genius!

8:35: Wow. I saw that first joke coming from 3,000 miles away. Not a promising start.

8:34: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, ladies and gents. I’m excited about the first part.

8:31: And it’s Neil Patrick Harris. Cue up a musical number.

8:30: Here we go!

8:27: Bye, Kathy. I’ll miss you. Next stop ... the Academy Awards.

8:22: Can Kathy Ireland ask questions all night? She’s really entertaining.

8:16: Sarah Jessica Parker is in her Queen Amidala gown with a Matthew Broderick handbag. Huh? What? That’s actually Matthew Broderick? Oh.

8:14: Jennifer Lopez says Precious was a tough movie to watch “at times.” If by “at times” she meant from the opening credits to the closing credits, she nailed it.

8:12: There’s Morgan Freeman. If he waves to the crowd tonight will people think he’s playing Nelson Mandela again? Oscar! Oscar!

8:10: At what point does it become unacceptable to find Helen Mirren sexy? She’s amazing. And Vincent Price looks good, too. Oh, wait. That’s Christopher Plummer. My bad.

8:09: This just in: Kathy Ireland is going to replace Michael Phelps as the next spokesperson for Rosetta Stone. It’s how she learned English, apparently.

8:08: Winner for Best Over-Enunciation … Kathy Ireland, ladies and gentlemen.

8:04: Kathy Ireland “can’t wait” for Prince of Persia. Well, there’s one person.

8:02: Somewhere Pedro Almodovar is pissed that Penelope Cruz isn’t showing gratuitous cleavage tonight. (OK, so he’s not the only one.)

7:53: Ryan Seacrest figures that Crazy Heart was in Jeff Bridges’ “comfort zone” because he’s a musician. That makes sense. And then there’s the fact that Bridges is an actor. That might have helped.

7:50: My favorite red carpet moment so far was when Ryan Seacrest asked Sigourney Weaver about her initial thoughts reading the Avatar screenplay. Weaver said they were, “Wow!” and “Unreal!” I presume her next thought was, “I can’t believe my career has gotten to the point that I’m considering playing a character with such pitiful dialogue.”

7:48: By the way, if you’ve been taking a drink each time Sandra Bullock has been referred to as “Sandy” tonight, you are absolutely wasted. I wonder if she’s seated near Marty Scorsese and Bob Redford?

7:45: Quick takes on what I’ve seen from the red carpet so far: Faith Hill is dressed like she’s working a brothel in a Western movie; Sarah Jessica Parker appears to be wearing a dress designed by Queen Amidala; Amanda Seyfried looks fantastic; George Clooney amazingly doesn’t look totally perfect (what’s with the hair?).

7:00: Welcome to the live blog of the 82nd Academy Awards. Allison’s Red Carpet Live Blog is still going strong, so open up another browser window and multitask, people. I'll be back later.

Red Carpet Live Blog (2010)

This live blog is by Allison Morris of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: That wraps the Red Carpet Live Blog. Here's Jason.

8:25: Miley's eye makeup looks stunning. Too bad I am sidetracked by the fact that one of her front two teeth is three inches shorter than the other.

8:20: Sarah Jessica Parker looks terrible. Terrible makeup. She's not aging gracefully at all. It wouldn't hurt her to put a few pounds on her frame. Her husband constantly looks bored and disgusted by all this, but you can tell she loves it. I don't blame her. It would be fun to wear a Chanel dress on loan. Cameron Diaz obviously practiced the same answer: Something about this being an opportunity to catch up with people she hasn't seen since working with them. It's an odd answer, but I guess it helps her justify being there. She looks extremely tired. Or drunk. Or stoned.

8:12: Helen Mirren is so pretty. She looks beautiful. Part of that has to do with the fact that she doesn't look like she's had 47 botox injections. Also, ABC must have worked tirelessly to build this cover for the red carpet. It's very, very windy here today, but we're not seeing any of that. Everyone seems warm and there are no flyaways.

8:08: Because of this live-blog, my husband just went to the store for Sunday night grocery shopping. I won't even describe my level of anxiety, but here's to hoping we aren't eating Oreos for dinner.

8:07: I love the supporting actress category. It's a cool feature to see them all standing next to each other. There's been a lot of rumors that Maggie G. got plastic surgery on her face. I was trying to see what it would be, but she looks the same to me. After the supporting actress group interview, we are thrown to Maggies brother, Jake G., being interviewed by the world's most annoying interviewer.

8:00: Cameron Diaz is not wearing red. And she looks baked out of her mind. This is the end of the E! coverage so I am switching to ABC now.

7:55: It's so tacky for Ryan to constantly push nominees. Why would he ask, "Are you ready for your speech?" Sure, there are frontrunners, but what does he expect them to say? And when he's asking Sandra about her speech, what is he supposed to say to Meryl Streep? It's in poor taste, Ryan.

7:45: I am a huge Robert Downey, Jr., fan. Huge. Please, please, please don't let him fall off the wagon. His life is better when he's off the bad shit. He's great for movies. He's hot. His wife runs his shit. He's a good man. I am pulling for him. One of my favorite movies ever is Less Than Zero, but I sometimes wonder if it lead to bad things for him. He's one of those very serious actors who dives into his roles, so I do not condone him playing Ozzy Osborne in a movie. Ever.

7:42: Keanu Reeves needs to shave that shit off his face. Wow. Just saw Kristen Stewart. She looks really good. She's smiling, and doesn't seem miserable. Why does Ryan insist on introducing people on the red carpet. It really creates awkward moments. However, I really loved that Gabourey Sidibe fist-bumped Keanu. However, I don't follow the porn comment.

7:35: I would really like to drink with George Clooney for one night. I hate his hair tonight, but he's tipsy, happy, and really funny. He doesn't take himself to seriously, and really doesn't seem affected by any of this. Good for him. Clooney and company are followed by Meryl Streep her just OWNED Ryan. Also, I will take back my snark on J-Lo because she seemed really sweet when talking to Ryan.

7:30: Matt Damon does not play. He's not being rude to Ryan, but you can tell that he thinks the questions are bullshit (or by this point he's sick of answering the same questions), and that he doesn't want to waste his time doing this. At least he was nicer than Angelina Jolie last year. Just got a glimpse of Jason Bateman. He is yummy. Also just got a glimpse of J-Lo, and I'm wondering why she is there. She never met a red carpet she didn't love. I know that her ass is her best feature, but that dress makes her look even wider than usual.

7:23: How adorable is Stanley Tucci? I love him. What. The. Fuck. is Charlize Theron wearing? She should have laid off the apple pipe when she picked out her dress. It's unfortunate because she's beautiful. But, no one will be looking at her face. They'll be looking at her boobs. I guess that's probably how it usually for most girls anyway.

7:17: I am not even going to touch Miley and her mom. If my mom had those back tattoos, she would not be with me at the Oscars in a backless dress. Anyway, I almost feel like I shouldn't even discuss what Kathryn Bigelow is wearing. The fact that she could potentially become the first female to win an Oscar for directing makes me want to talk about her work instead of her look. Unfortunately, I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if she truly deserves the nod, but it's 2010 and I think it's about time that a woman wins for directing. Not to mention, she would be edging out her ex-husband, James Cameron. I don't care if the divorce was amicable or not - that would probably feel damn good. Especially considering The Hurt Locker cost 1/20 of what Avatar cost. You go girl!

7:10:Tim McGraw is drunk. Or something. Faith Hill is a very pretty lady, but she doesn't look that stunning tonight. I don't like her makeup. Also, is Ryan the shortest person on the red carpet? Come on, Miley Cyrus. Quit channeling your inner Kristen Stewart and stand up straight. Act like you belong there. Even though you don't.

7:03: I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry (or TP if you're Ryan Seacrest) just gave a shout out to my blog.

7:00: I definitely like when people take risks with their fashion, but I'm on the fence about Diane Kruger's dress. The detail is impressive, and it's very feminine, but I don't like the black thing around her neck. I think I like the dress from the waste down. By the way, Sandra said "poo poo" on the red carpet.

6:55: EEEK! Sandra looks GORGEOUS. She looks like an Oscar winner! Her body is flawless - she looks fit. There's a difference between fit and anorexic. Fit people eat and workout. Anyway, her hair looks beautiful and the dress looks fantastic. She's the frontrunner for Best Actress, and she certainly looks the part.

6:45: Could there be two opposite ends of the Hollywood spectrum standing side by side than James Cameron and Maggie Gyllenhaal? The box office giant and the little Indie star. She looks really pretty. Her dress is different. It fits her nice. I'm still deciding if I love it.

6:40: Ryan and Ryan are totally acting like Sandra Bullock has a dick! WTF. I feel your pain, Sandy! (And, I'd love to have a brother/sister relationship with Ryan Reynolds. It would be called incest).

6:35: I wish I could get back the two minutes of my life that I spent watching Nicole Richie be interviewed on the red carpet. Her best known role: Paris Hilton's sidekick on a REALITY SHOW. Why is she being interviewed? On the flip side, I love Vera Farmiga's dress. And, I really loved her performance in Up in the Air. Her interview with Ryan is not going so well. It went from bad to worse when she labeled Kathryn Bigelow as her pick for Best Director, forgetting that Jason Reitman was nominated for Up in the Air. Poor thing. She didn't mean any harm by it, but it will probably stick with her for the rest of the night.

6:30: Why is Ryan asking everyone on the carpet if they saw Avatar? Ryan, everyone saw Avatar. It's the highest grossing movie ever. That dress that Zoe Saldana is wearing is terrible. She gorgeous, so it almost works, but the ti-colored ruffles aren't doing it for me.

6:23Was E! behind the scenes with Ryan and Giuliana Rancic to try and convince us that she eats? I am not buying it.

6:20: Do you think Maria Carey knows that she's no longer relevant? I will give her credit that she's still working. And working hard at trying to remain atop the Hollywood A-list. But, she's sloppy. And I cringe every time she talks. She looks fine. Nothing special. Nothing crazy. Just meh. At least she isn't falling out all over the place.

6:15: Boo. I love Anna Kendrick. Her dress is very pretty, but the color completely blends in with her skin. She handled Ryan's question about the dissed dress really well. She's very well spoken and renews my faith in young Hollywood. Mo'Nique seemed to be very genuine and sweet when meeting Anna. That was really nice to see. Except I don't know what Mo'Nique just meant about kids in grown up faces. And, I believe Ryan just guaranteed a win for her. The first reference to rain!

6:08: Zac Efron is wearing too much makeup and self tanner. He saw Avatar four times. And, he's jerking off Sam Worthington. By the way, when Sam told Ryan that the Avatar took 15 months to make, I had flashbacks of Leo DiCaprio doing press for Titanic. Remember how someone laced the lobster chowder on the set of the Titanic with PCP? I always figured Leo was ready for a break after a grueling filming schedule or that someone felt the mood needed to be lifted.

5:55: By Los Angeles standards, it's cold today. Even worse: there's wind. This will make for an interesting red carpet. Wind does not work well with pretty hair. I don't know what I'd do if I was a famous Hollywood actress on a cold, windy night in a backless dress. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. I would probably beg for some kind of jacket or wrap. But, designers want their dresses to be seen, so it's not often that you see these women covered up. They are better people than I.

So, there will be an extra factor going on tonight. It will be fun to see how all the pretty people smile despite being cold. Because you know most of them haven't eaten in a week to decrease their body fat even further, which means less protection from the elements.

2:00: To think there was a time when I thought Matthew McConaughey was dreamy. I wouldn’t be surprised if that statement alone gets me kicked off The Cooler. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was the nail in the McConaughey coffin. Or was it Fool's Gold? That was some shit right there.

Why am I even talking about him? He has nothing to do with the Oscars. Except that he used to date Sandy, who by many accounts is the frontrunner to win Best Actress (The Blind Side) this year – a year that she also starred in All About Steve. At least she was in that dreadfulness before she knew she might win an Oscar. Too bad the same can’t be said for Gwyneth Paltrow, who starred in Shallow Hal AFTER she won the statuette for Shakespeare in Love.

If my memory serves me correctly, I don’t think Jason is a big Sandra fan. I think it might be this quote from his blog, “Because most sports movies are mediocre, and because most movies starring Sandra Bullock are worse than that and because I have read the book upon which it is based, I had no intention of seeing The Blind Side.”

I like Sandra because she seems like a real person. She doesn’t seem to be driven by PR or fake bullshit the way a lot of actors are. Just think, in the weeks leading up to the Oscars, there haven’t been a lot of “random” tabloid photos of her, she hasn’t been seen with a cup of Starbucks walking in a Pap friendly neighborhood, and she hasn’t been campaigning for this win. I totally don’t count her husband’s dog being lost in Long Beach as a PR stunt. I might be wrong on this, but who would throw their dog on the 405 in Long Beach for PR?

OK, maybe Aniston.

But not my Sandy. She is funny. She isn’t stick thin. She has a personality. And a bad-boy husband.

Love. Her.

I haven’t seen The Blind Side, so I can’t comment on her performance. However, I will be here at The Cooler starting at 6 pm ET to see what she’s wearing.

I’m not here to discuss which performance was the best or what movie deserves the nod. I will say this though: Avatar better not win. Excuse me for not doing jumping jacks over a movie with cool effects in 2010. And, please, don’t insult me by trying to mask that bullshit story with pretty 3D birds and 12-foot tall blue men that look anorexic. I’m much more of an Up in the Air kind of girl. I like movies that have meaning behind what you see. Movies that have multi-layered characters, and storylines that leave me thinking about it four days later. I thought Anna Kendrick was phenomenal in Up in the Air, in part because of how she held her own with Clooney. Impressive feat for a girl who was in Twilight. She stole the movie for me.

Kendrick is a long shot to win Best Supporting Actress; by all accounts it’s Mo'Nique’s to lose. But I love this category. Loved Vera Farmiga (nothing but a tie, hello!), and I'm a lover of Maggie Gyllenhaal because of her performance in one of my all time favorite movies – Secretary. (Like I said, I like movies that make you think.) I am very excited to see what Maggie wears because she definitely won’t be in a simple – and safe – little black dress a la Aniston. She’ll be bold, and different, and I like that. I also can’t wait to see Carey Mulligan. Now that’s a gorgeous girl. How I wish I could wear short hair like that.

Looking forward to gossiping with you all.

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.

2010 Oscars: More Films, Less Fun

Newsflash: The purpose of the Academy Awards isn’t to honor achievement in filmmaking. The purpose of the Academy Awards is to market the movie industry. If you didn’t know that already, you certainly must know it now, a day after the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences announced that next year, and for the foreseeable future, there will be 10 films nominated for Best Picture instead of the (recently) traditional five. The purpose of this increase isn’t to decorate five more films, of course, because in a sense all the AMPAS has done is expand the list of Oscar night also-rans. The goal, without question, is to make five more films – and the star-studded live TV event that pimps them – more profitable.

Do I sound jaded? I don’t think I am. Because even though the AMPAS seems to be taking an embarrassing step toward the MTV mentality that celebrates films for their teen-biased performance at the box office, at the same time the Academy also is expanding the opportunities for small, controversial, abstract, and otherwise box-office-challenged films to reach a larger audience, and the latter might be worth the pains of the former, because, ideally, the latter might eventually influence the former. See, something like the big-budget Transformers 2 doesn’t need an Oscar nomination for the average moviegoer to be convinced that it’s a “must-see” film, but something like Two Lovers does. The difference between your 8-movies-a-year coworker having already seen The Reader over Revolutionary Road comes down to the fact that one of those films earned multiple major Oscar nods (a Best Picture nomination and a Best Actress win for Kate Winslet) and the other one didn’t. If that same 8-movies-a-year coworker could be convinced to see five more movies each year, he/she might realize that Frost/Nixon isn’t a top-5 picture of any year. Simply put: the more movies the average moviegoer sees, the greater the chance that he/she discovers a truly great film. In that respect, both sides seem to profit from the expansion of the nominee pool. But there is a significant downside.

By adding five films to the Best Picture slate, the Academy has sucked some of the fun out of Oscar season by eliminating the very thing that makes it interesting: controversy. For example, had the AMPAS expanded the Best Picture pool a year ago, Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight almost certainly would have received the Oscar nomination that its fanboys so desperately craved. But what would that nomination have been worth? What does it mean to be one of the 10 best pictures of the year? The 2009 Oscars were four months ago, but already I’ve forgotten the five Best Picture nominees. There was Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and … and … Doubt? No, Doubt dominated the acting categories. So what was the fifth film? I’ll look it up in a bit. For the moment it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can easily name five films that were considered unfairly “snubbed” in the last Oscar race: The Dark Knight, Gran Torino, Revolutionary Road , WALL-E and The Wrestler.

Because the Academy Awards have more in common with a political campaign than Olympic competition, there is power in controversy. In sports terms, the Oscar race better resembles college football’s BCS format than college basketball’s March Madness tournament. Though an Oscar nomination always raises a film’s profile in the short term, what often elevates a film to celebrated long-term greatness is the debate stirred up by the Academy’s dismissal. Fanboys might still be pissed that The Dark Knight didn’t get the validation of a Best Picture nomination, but as a result its fans get to spend the rest of time arguing that their favorite film got screwed, that the system didn’t support it, that at worst The Dark Knight was the sixth-best film of the year in the eyes of people who were prejudiced against it in the first place, which means it has to be awesome just to be in the conversation.

People will remember The Dark Knight in part because of its Oscar outsider status. Had it been included in a pool of 10 nominees, The Dark Knight might have become as forgettable as … as … as that fifth nominee from last year that still isn’t coming to me. Even worse, the validation that The Dark Knight fanboys hoped to receive through the Academy’s reluctant recognition of the superhero genre could have been spoiled with a 10-picture slate if the Academy also nominated 2008’s other wildly popular comic book movie, Iron Man. If that had happened, The Dark Knight wouldn’t have looked so special after all.

The Oscars will still be fun, of course, and they’ll still inspire debate, and maybe these extra nominations will allow the Academy to be more daring while also appeasing the mostly naïve masses. Maybe it will be a net gain. But it’s always been exciting to discover which five films would get a chance to compete for the big prize. After the announcement, it’s always been fun wondering which film just missed the cut and debating why. At the end of 2009 and in the initial weeks of 2010, there won’t be the same joy in Movieville. When there are 10 films competing for one statuette, the word snubbed no longer applies. That argument is now obsolete. Until recently, the Best Picture nomination system created lovable losers. Now, if you’re not a Best Picture nominee, you’re just a loser.

81st Academy Awards Live Blog

The 81st Academy Awards Live Blog is over. Enjoy the transcript and feel free to leave your thoughts about the night in the comments section. Thanks to all of you who stopped by.

(All times Eastern)

11:57: It starred Hugh Jackman and it felt a hell of a lot shorter than Australia, so that’s a positive. The 81st Academy Awards are history. Thanks all for stopping by! Here’s to the movies!

11:53: Jai Ho, everybody. (Should I know what that means?) Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture. Between Freida Pinto and the closing dance number, it’s a joy to experience. And I hope those kids who left such an indelible mark on this picture will be rewarded financially. Meanwhile, I hope we’ll be rewarded for (mostly) suffering through 2008 with a more 2007-esque year in film ahead. We’ll see.

11:52: And Best Picture goes to …

11:46: Sean Penn wins Best Actor. OK. I was ready for that. And if I didn't feel like Rourke had his lightning-in-a-bottle opportunity here, I’d feel better about this. Given all that Penn did to help Milk get made in the first place, he’s especially deserving. And if Milk isn’t going to win Best Picture, at least it wins something. (Plus it was an excuse to see Robin Wright Penn. And that’s always a good thing.)

11:40: Google? Really? Adrien Brody might as well have started his introduction: “I had no fucking clue who Richard Jenkins was until 10 minutes ago when they told me that I’d be introducing him.”

11:38: Best Actor is up. Please be Mickey. Please be Mickey. Please be Mickey.

11:35: Right actress, wrong film. Kate Winslet wins Best Actress. Hers is a tremendous career already, with her better days ahead, I’m sure. As you’d expect, her acceptance speech is confident yet humble, and as sincere as these things get. Class.

11:30: Seriously, Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like he crept in to rob the joint and sat down behind Meryl Streep. Note to producers: never seat him on the aisle.

11:29: Goodness. These women are all going to be crying before a winner is announced.

11:26: Best Actress time. Wow. All of a sudden things are picking up. The buzz is that this is Winslet’s year. Which reminds me: Did you catch the story earlier this week when Winslet said she’s going to stop doing nude scenes in movies? The story I read supplemented that announcement with the note that Winslet has been nude in 10 films. How the hell did they know that? Is that a statistic on the back of her trading card? If so, what’s on the front of her trading card? And can I have one?

11:24: Danny Boyle wins Best Director and does an impression of Tigger. I’m down with that. Boyle’s a solid filmmaker who has made a handful of films better than this one. Slumdog Millionaire isn’t going to be a movie that people cherish for years, but it sure is cherished now. And that’s OK. It says a lot about these times, when we’re all looking for hope. Says a lot about this year in film, too, which was far from extraordinary.

11:20: Reece Witherspoon looks radiant, if you don’t look at her dress, which seems inspired by that witch in Sleeping Beauty.

11:15: Nothing against Queen Latifah, but I don’t want to watch her walking the stage during the tribute to those who died in the past year. What a terrible presentation. I have a widescreen TV. If I didn’t, I would have struggled to tell who was being remembered given that picture-in-picture approach. Pleased, however, to see critic Manny Farber recognized. Charlton Heston and Paul Newman lost in the same year. Sad, and somehow fitting. And did I blink when they showed Heath Ledger?

11:09: Departures wins for Japan. If you had that in your office pool, you just got one that no one else did.

11:05: Time for Best Foreign Film. I’ve seen The Class and Waltz With Bashir of this year’s nominees. The Class is one of those films I’m pleased to have seen and yet have no desire to see again. Ever. The Class makes us feel like we’re spending a year in a high school classroom, which is to say that it’s often painful. I can’t count the number of times I wanted to yell at the kids to calm down and shut the fuck up. I don’t know how teachers do it. Hats off to you!

11:02: Danny Boyle has his hands on his face again, which means Slumdog just won. Again. They’re almost out of nominees, aren’t they? I mean: Congratulations for winning Best Original Song!

10:58: Peter Gabriel goes on strike for his part in the medley of Best Original Song nominees. This is the third year in a row that at least two nominees in this category have come from the same film, Slumdog in this case. Is it me, or is all this Slumdog love almost uncomfortable at this point, as if Americans just discovered India and think it’s really neat?

10:54: Bow-wow-wow, yippy-yo, yippy-yay, bow-wow, yippy-yo, yippy-yay. Slumdoggy Dog wins again. This is boring.

10:50: Here comes Best Music (Score). In a perfect world, this is a two-way race between WALL-E and The Dark Knight. Alas, no nomination for The Dark Knight. I’m wearing my Sunday clothes here … let’s give it to WALL-E. (By the way: James Newton Howard’s score for Defiance is a blatant rip off of his other story-in-the-woods score for The Village, mixed with, um, allusions to John Williams score for Schindler’s List.)

10:44: The last time we saw Eddie Murphy at the Oscars he was not winning for Dreamgirls. Now he’s presenting the humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis, even though Lewis recently said in an Entertainment Weekly interview that he wished he hadn't allowed Murphy to remake The Nutty Professor, dissing Murphy’s fart jokes along the way. Ignoring for the moment that Lewis doesn't have the right to call someone else’s humor lowbrow, the Academy Awards have been pretty damn awkward for Murphy.

10:41: You know what’s worse than ABBA? These damn Best Buy commercials.

10:40: Since we just blazed through the technical awards, an observation: Put me in the camp that doesn’t understand the nomination of Brad Pitt for Best Actor. His character is a cipher to be acted upon, and what little emotion he displays is often the product of CGI. Yes, that’s what the role calls for. I don’t fault Pitt. But if we’re going to nominate digitally enhanced performances, let’s give a nomination to WALL-E. Or let’s go back and nominate Andy Serkis for his portrayal of Gollum. Just sayin’.

10:35: Silence Of The Slumdog Millionaire Of The Rings wins Best Film Editing. I'm detecting a pattern.

10:32: Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Sound Mixing. A breathless sound mixer “can’t believe it.” Right, because everybody knows the sound mixer from Wanted was the heavy favorite to win.

10:29: The Dark Knight wins Best Sound Editing. Happy to see TDK pick up another Oscar, fanboys across the country stop beating their imaginary girlfriends.

10:25: Benjamin Button takes Best Visual Effects. There would have been something fundamentally wrong if it didn’t, considering the film is nominated for Best Picture.

10:17: Man On Wire wins Best Documentary (Feature). Happy about that. In a down year in film, that was one of the most enthralling and suspenseful stories, even though there was no doubt how it would end. In acceptance, tightrope walker Phillippe Petit performs some magic and Oscar balancing. That guy loves an audience, that’s for sure. That he knows what to do with that audience is what counts.

10:12: And it’s Heath Ledger for Best Supporting Actor. Justice. A “special” performance, indeed. And a “special” performance by his family in accepting his award. Amazing strength.

10:07: It’s gotta be Heath Ledger. For so many reasons. Most of all, that he gave us a tremendous performance despite monumental expectations and made it unique.

10:06: Cuba Gooding Jr jokingly criticizes Robert Downey Jr’s “blackface” performance by noting that “brothers need the work.” Uh, yes, Hanes man. Some of them do.

10:05: Seriously. What were the odds that Philip Seymour Hoffman would be the first person to wear a do-rag to the Oscars? Reminds me of that joke on The Office: “If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I’m going to be rich!”

10:03: It’s Best Supporting Actor time. All across the country bitter fanboys of The Dark Knight have lighters in one hand and Molotov cocktails in the other. If Heath Ledger doesn’t win, this is gonna get ugly.

9:58: And now I’ve got ABBA stuck in my head. They’re shutting down Gitmo because of cruelty like this.

9:55: Hugh Jackman does a song-and-dance number. Beyonce does a lip-synch-and-dance number. Sasha didn’t get very Fierce there, did she? Disappointing.

9:43: I thought Mama Mia looked plenty terrifying from its trailer. Now in a Pineapple Express-themed montage I just caught a glimpse of Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan wearing sequins. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

9:38: Someone tell Jessica Biel that the front left of her dress is untucked. What’s that? It’s supposed to be that way. Oh. That’s a shame.

9:34: Best Cinematography goes to Slumdog Millionaire. Get out of the way, folks.

9:31: I give it to Ben Stiller. He’s unafraid. I found the real Joaquin Phoenix meltdown to be tragic. But out of tragedy comes comedy. Then again, a “Hasidic meth lab”? First time that phrase has ever been used, I’d guess.

9:30: Props to the producers for showing the James Franco and Sean Penn liplock in that love montage. Even just a few years ago, all we would have seen was a knowing nod or a peck on the cheek. Progress, folks. Progress. One tiny step at a time.

9:25: Here’s Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame. That tremble you just felt was the reverberation of thousands of teenage girls having a simultaneous orgasm.

9:23: Benjamin Button for Best Makeup Applied By A Computer. What’s that? That’s not what this category is called? Oh. Well. In that case, The Dark Knight just got screwed.

9:20: Again, I didn’t see The Duchess, but it just had to win Best Costume, didn’t it? Ho-hum, let’s move on.

9:17: But it’s Benjamin Button for Best Art Direction. Hmm. If the scenes that got Benjamin Button the win are eligible for this category, WALL-E should be in this category, too.

9:15: I didn’t see The Duchess, but Changeling would be a good pick here for Best Art Direction. It sure looked the part. Sadly, that’s about all that it did.

9:09: Dammit. I didn’t see La Maison En Petits Cubes. I did see Presto!, so if it's better than that, it’s tremendous. Speaking of which: When you rent WALL-E, be sure to watch the other short, Burn-E. Wonderful fun.

9:06: Andrew Stanton wins for WALL-E! The live blog can continue! I heard Stanton on NPR’s “Fresh Air” earlier this year. He said something I still haven’t forgotten. He called animators “shy actors.” Damn straight. Little WALL-E turns in one of the best performances of the year.

9:04: Looks like we’re coming up on Best Animated Feature Film. There isn’t a bigger slam-dunk in the pool this year than WALL-E, right? And deservedly so. It’s my best film (overall) of 2008. If it doesn’t win, I’m turning off the TV. (That’ll make for an interesting live blog, won’t it?)

9:01: Simon Beaufoy wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Let the Slumdog Millionaire party begin, I guess. It’s a sweet movie, but not sweet enough to dominate tonight. Let’s hope this doesn’t get all Lord Of The Rings.

9:00: Now Best Adapted Screenplay is up. I don’t like any of these screenplays.

8:58: Dustin Lance Black wins Best Original Screenplay for Milk. If this means it might upset for Best Picture tonight, I’ll be thrilled. That’s my favorite picture of the nominees this year.

8:55: I love Steve Martin. And after all the Sarah Palin stuff, I’m glad to see Tina Fey get some Oscar-night love. Best Original Screenplay time. I’d be really fookin’ happy to see In Bruges get some love here.

8:50: Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress. A well-deserved win. Although she’s even better in Elegy. Fitting start, because Kate Winslet will likely win Best Actress tonight for The Reader even though she was far superior in Revolutionary Road. Touching acceptance speech by Cruz. Grace, dignity and a peek at the real woman inside. This is why we watch.

8:47: I’m pulling for Tomei here. No truth to the rumor, by the way, that Tomei has gone online to bet millions on herself in the “Nominated Actress to Be Photographed at the Oscars with Her Nipple Uncovered” category.

8:46: Goldie Hawn? Bring back Whoopi!

8:45: Fucking Whoopi. Please go away.

8:44: You know the usual awkwardness when there are two presenters? Well, now we have the awkwardness of five presenters. Not an improvement.

8:43: Here comes the award for Best Supporting Actress. Marisa Tomei begins to weep when she sees that Jack Palance won’t be announcing tonight’s winner.

8:38: It’s official. Hugh Jackman can host these awards anytime. Terrific opener. More show, less biz. The way it should be.

8:36: Anne Hathaway, everybody. Have I mentioned loving her? Brilliant!

8:34: Thank you!

8:33: Can Hugh Jackman get a spotlight, please?

8:32: I dig the jazzy rendition of Lawrence of Arabia. And I’m happy to see Hugh Jackman tonight … because he isn’t Whoopi Goldberg.

8:30: Here we go!

8:23: Thank you, Jack Black, for not playing along with the hyperbolic, overly effusive, inane interview process. About time a celeb made one of these morons work.

8:20: The difference between men and women. Penelope Cruz remembered a dress she saw eight years ago. I can’t remember what I wore yesterday.

8:17: Here’s how you can detect Hollywood class: Miley Cyrus, in a movie not yet released, says she hopes to be at the Oscars next year for that role. Anne Hathaway, an established A-lister at this point, says she “never expected to be here.” Advantage to Anne. My love deepens.

8:15: I hope that Miley Cyrus interview we just saw was taped. Otherwise she’s been on the red carpet for two hours.

8:13: Zac Efron, born in 1987, refers to Dev Patel, born in 1990, as “kid.” Ugh.

8:06: Brangelina blows off an interview with Tim Gunn as if they don’t know who he is. Which is probably about right. Gotta say, I’m really disappointed to see just Pitt and Jolie here tonight. I was sure the Academy Awards producers would have instructed them to bring all kids and perform “Edelweiss” or something.

8:05: There’s Frank Langella. I’m glad to see a veteran receiving some props, but his Nixon is an impression of Nixon impressions. Go on YouTube and find video of the real president. You’ll see what I mean.

8:03: Tim Gunn conducts an “interview” with Amy Adams in which he essentially talks about her in her presence. Not a promising start. Ryan Seacrest was about this intelligent over on E!

8:01: By the way, West Coast peeps: Good luck watching Barbara Walters’ interview with Mickey Rourke without getting choked up. I really want that guy to win tonight. I think it’s going to be Sean Penn, and he’s deserving, but this should be the year of Mickey.

8:00: Welcome to the live blog of the 81st Academy Awards. Allison’s Red Carpet Live Blog is still going strong, so open up another browser window and multitask, people.

Before we get going, some “exciting” news from the E! broadcast. Apparently during tonight’s Academy Awards, winners will be announced by previous Oscar winners, rather than the person (often a previous Oscar winner) who introduced the nominees in the first place. In other words, it now takes more stars to screw in a light bulb. Somehow his subtle change was still a little too complicated for the “talent” from E! to figure out. Said one of the dumb beauties: “So now there will be a big star on stage to tell us who won.” Wait, you mean as opposed to before, when there was a big star on stage to tell us who won? Yeesh. Hopefully ABC’s crew will be better, but I doubt it.

Red Carpet Live Blog

This live blog is by Allison Ross of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: OK! I am signing off. Well, from my live-blogging duties. Jason is taking over from here so you can comment on his new thread above. I need to sit back and enjoy Hugh Jackman.

8:25: For The Love of Ray J, why am I not at the bar? That's where Judd Apatow, Jack Black and Seth Rogan are. THAT is the place to be.

8:15: ABC isn't quite as juicy as E! because there was something trainwreckalicious about Seacrest. Miley: "Angelina is my favorite person ever." Why am I not surprised?

8:08: Angelina Jolie does not seem to be playing along anymore. Unlike Brad Pitt, I never have a problem buying into her characters. More than anything, I’m always a little sidetracked by how pretty she is. I thought she was phenomenal in Gia and Girl, Interrupted. That is the Angelina Jolie that seems more real to me. Sure, she was great in A Mighty Heart and Changeling, but I prefer the darker (more real) side of her. She used to be so much fun on the red carpet – long kisses with her brother, dry-humping Billy Bob Thorton and all sorts of wild. Now, she has perfected the most icy of cuntfaces you’ll ever find. She barely mumbles a word to reporters, and when she does, her answers are laced with hate and her look says, “I will have to cleanse my perfect soul after answering such ignorant questions.”

8:05: OK, we have a Laef sighting. He LOVES Tim Gunn, as do I. I am very curious to see the interviewing tactics on ABC. Ryan was terrible. It was somewhat painful. P.S. Where the fuck was Jennifer Aniston on E!'s preshow? SJP: You are not French, and it looks like Matthew Broderick would rather be someplace else.

8:00: Laef is just now getting around to the blog. He is reading the comments and cracking up. Brad Pitt stopped for Ryan Seacrest, but you could tell he was like, GFY. You could hear Ryan Seacrest say, "Here comes Angelina..." and then his microphone faded out. She obviously ditched him. Holy crap, Alicia Keys looks glam. Going over to ABC!!

7:52: Gulianna needs new panties. She is clearly obsessed with the Jolie-Pitts.

7:50: Jessica Biel looks like shit. I know that sounds weird to say because she is not ugly by any means, but that dress is horrid. And what is going on with her hair and makeup? I feel like I could have done that. On the flip side, Kate Winslet is gorgeous. Her personality combined with her confidence and high cheek bones make her an actress that I can feel good about liking. She seems so normal and friendly. Plus, she forgot Jesus', er, Angelina's name at the Golden Globes.

7:45: I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not sure about his hat, but he kills it in every role he plays. I have an idea for next year. They should give Ryan Seacrest an earpiece. On the other end there will be someone with knowledge about the movies and nominees. They can feed him decent questions. Marion Cotillard is so pretty and I am really feeling this midnight blue that seems to be everywhere. Angelina has her cuntface on. As usual. I can not wait to see her talk to Ryan Seacrest. If he is so lucky. Her dress is boring as fuck.

7:40: So, I like Evan Rachel Wood's dress. The shape that is. Why on Earth would she wear a dress the same color of her skin? She was washed out. Oh fuck. The golden couple has arrived. Prepare for some SERIOUS awkwardness. Mark my words.

7:35: Did Ryan Seacrest pay Queen Latifah to say, "You are the busiest guy in Hollywood, huh?" Because now he has a safety net. He has too many things to think about, and it's clear. I LOVE the deep blue color of her dress. I LOVE Anne Hathaway's dress. It's probably not something I would pick out for myself right away, but it's so glamorous and pretty.

7:30: Alright, Ryan. I know you have 17 different jobs, but you really should do your research on the nominees. He seems to not know anything about the nominees that aren't consistently A-List (Marisa Tomei). I mean, it's awkward when he says things to them that are just wrong. Mickey Rourke did great. He's still somewhat sober. And, his suit wasn't horrible. It wasn't a tux, but good for him.

7:23: OMG. Is there a more awkward couple than Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick? They seemed completely uncomfortable together. I mean, we all know that our men don't know the difference between midnight blue and black (nor do they give a fuck), but do we need to hash that out on the red carpet?

7:20: Time out. Cruel Intentions is one of my favorite movies. I had no idea that Amy Adams was in that. Oh wait. It was Cruel Intentions 2. I did not see that. And, although I say I am boring, I really do like her necklace. OK, here we go with this Robert Pattinson guy. I don't get what all the fuss is about so let me see if I can figure it out. Well, he does have vampire teeth, which seems to have helped him.

7:15: Awww shit. Here comes Mickey Rourke and Seth Rogen. Surely they can make Ryan Seacrest WELL aware of how fucking dumb he is. Natalie Portman is perfection. She always looks so pretty. And, to top it off, she's smart. Love her. The Glamastrator is not working. They obviously aren't working together with Jay. He is talking about necklaces and they are showing legs, etc. Laef just claimed that Amy Adams in not hot.

7:05: OK, seriously. I like Taraji P. Henson, but under no circumstances should anyone every see your Spanx. ESPECIALLY at the Oscars.

6:58: Where the crap is Angelina? Jennifer?

6:55: I want whoever did Freida Pinto's makeup to do mine for my wedding. And, I've about enough of the awkwardness of Ryan asking them if they are dating. Let them love this moment! Heidi Klum: No. I am not loving that dress or all the jewelry. Also, it looks like she had her hair done by Zak Efron's hair stylist.

6:50: They should have had John Madden work the Glamastrator. I mean, is this a football game? Welcome to Hollywood, Slumdog Millionaire stars, where Ryan Seacrest asks you awkward questions about your personal life. I have to pee. And, I'm more stressed out than when I have to pee at work. Like, I am scared if I go to the bathroom, I will miss something and this will be the worst live blog ever.

6:48: Ryan Seacrest is a dick. He is ompletely unprepared for the Slumdog Millionaire kids interview. If it was fucking Pax, Shiloh, Knox, et al, he would have said their names AND spelled them out. Twice. Did he just ask a 7-year-old what kind of dress she is wearing?

6:45: I am sure this comes as no surprise, but Laef is unable to comment on the The Cooler because he is, um, playing some video game. The Sanch is also not interested. I am sweating because I'm trying to do four things at once and the laptop is really hot.

6:40: Ryan: FYI, I don't think Kevin Kline was serious when he said he watches American Idol.

6:30: I wonder if Ryan Seacrest is secretly jealous of Zac Efron's eyes. OK, Vanessa Hudgens is cute, but she is not even remotely close to looking like Audrey Hepburn tonight. Not feeling that dress. And, not feeling her, in general.

6:30: Wow. Ben Lyons just threw down the gauntlet on Nascar and the NBA. And P.S. I am already tired of Miley.

6:25: It is hard not to feel giddy for the stars of Slumdog Millionaire. They are still so unaffected by Hollywood. You can almost feel their overwhelming awe of being there.

6:20: Hugh Jackman: Yum. Funny, cute, smart. Really looking forward to all of the things he will bring to the table. AND he has a signal for his wife??? I likey. I wish he would have used his middle finger as his signal for Giuliana Rancic. Her diamond was ginormous.

6:05: Miley's dress looks like it might weigh 400 pounds. I like it. It's fun and sparkly and whimsical. Her hair is boring. I heard Ryan Seacrest on America's Top 40 this morning, listen to him every morning on my way to work, watch him on American Idol and see him on most awards shows. When does he sleep?

6:00: Well, here we go. I am excited to be blogging about everything there is to see on the red carpet. After reading my LaLa Land blog last night, my mom called to ask how I got credentials to live blog at the Oscars. I had to break the news to her that the live-blogging will be done from my couch in sweatpants. There is no way I would subject myself to the traffic that is sure to be congesting the intersection of Hollywood and Highland. Things I am looking forward to: Will Angelina snub Ryan? If she decides to speak to him, how bitchy will her bitchface look? Is it too much to ask Angie to revert to her old ways just once and dry hump Brad Pitt the way she did Billy Bob Thorton? What kind of gems will Mickey Rourke say on the red carpet? Will Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer walk the carpet together and will John give an answer that causes Jen to spank him later tonight?

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.

(Un)Popularity Contests?

I didn’t watch the Emmys. That’s in large part because I don’t watch much television. I don’t watch much television because I don’t have the time. Keeping up with movies is task enough. Thus, I have lists of shows that I want to catch up with at some point via Netflix, but I struggle to get around to them. It was only within the past year that I finally watched the first season of 24. Didn’t care for it. Won’t be going back for more. Which I guess is a good thing, because it means that I’m even closer to seeing a single installment of stuff like The Wire, John Adams and Mad Men, to name a few things recommended to me.

The other reason I didn’t watch the Emmys is that they have always seemed an especially imperfect concept. The Academy Awards are problematic enough, but a single movie season is far more self-contained and easier to evaluate. With the Emmys I’ve never grasped how an actor can win an award year after year for playing the same character while another actor slogs away in one role for just as long, finally breaking through in, say, Season Six, because the writing finally got a little better or – let’s face it – because Hollywood decided it was time to throw a bone to someone new. You get the idea.

Anyway, I did read some Emmys coverage. And that led me to the post-Emmys chat with entertainment critic Tom Shales of my local Washington Post. And that led me to this shocking exchange:

Ashland, MO: What's the point of giving awards to programs most people have never seen? Not only is this true of Emmys, but also Oscars. Do critics automatically assume something can't be meritorious just because most people like it? It didn't used to be this way. What changed?

Tom Shales: I think it's actually worse with the Oscars. To be a best picture nominee now, it seems like a film has to be depressing, arcane, arty, dreary, and in limited release. I guess it's partly because so many films are made based on comic books, and the Hollywood establishment doesn't want to give awards to THEM. So they go looking for the most obscure films they can find. I don't think I saw any of this years' Best Picture Nominees.

Ugh. Where to begin?

Let’s start with Ashland, MO, who successfully uses “meritorious” in a sentence and yet thoughtlessly suggests that there’s no point in awarding TV shows or movies that “most people have never seen.” Seriously, take special note: Ashland doesn’t complain about a recent fad (ala: “What’s with the trend…?”). No, Ashland complains about the whole concept (“What’s the point…?”). It’s a disappointing outlook to say the least, especially in this age of DVR, DVD and Web-posted editions of shows (how I keep up with The Office, half the time), any of which make it easier than ever to – gasp! – try out a show that the entertainment establishment itself has seen fit to praise.

Even more disturbing, however, than the reader’s comment is that of Shales, of course, who doesn’t think he saw any of the most recent Best Picture nominees and thus thinks that Juno (one of the five) was “depressing, arcane, arty, dreary, and in limited release” because Ellen Page wasn’t wearing a cape. Holy Critic-Totally-Out-Of-Touch-With-Pop-Culture, Batman!

Sure, Shales is correct that an alarming number of mainstream movies these days are about men (and sometimes women) in tights. And, no, Hollywood probably “doesn’t want” to give awards to those pictures, either because the movies in question don’t merit such recognition (most of the time) or because giving recognition to a heavily-marketed popcorn flick that has already dominated at the box office and sold big on DVD has little financial incentive (almost all of the time). But the Academy Awards “go looking for the most obscure films they can find”? Really?

True enough, not one of last year’s Best Picture nominees was the kind of thing that the Average Joe Moviegoer (whoever that is) would have seen coming a year away. Juno, to keep with the previous example, became a Big Thing post-release, thanks to critical and audience acclaim. It opened in limited release, but it sure didn’t finish that way. To read the comment by Shales, the Academy should go ahead and nominate the latest Indiana Jones and Batman flicks today, not based on merit, but simply because they benefited from being highly-anticipated sequels that “most people” (to quote Ashland, MO) at least saw and may have actually enjoyed, too.

One of the many things that’s backwards here is that the Academy’s nasty habit isn’t fleeing the mainstream but being unwilling to leave it behind. Each year’s slate of nominees tends to include at least one Jerry Maguire – a marginally decent movie upgraded to contender status for the sole purpose of giving Shales and cinema shut-ins like him a reason to tune in on awards night. But I digress. What’s especially frightening is that Shales is apparently oblivious that The Departed won for Best Picture two years ago, and Crash before that, and Million Dollar Baby before that and, whaddyaknow, Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King before that. I could keep going (Chicago, A Beautiful Mind, Gladiator, etc.), but I don’t think I need to. These movies don’t fit Shales’ description of a Best Picture nominee as seen within the context of the question from Ashland, MO.

The ultimate irony, though, is this: while folks like Shales and Ashland, MO, feel shut out of the ceremonies and thus ungratified by the Oscars, cinephiles often come away equally disappointed. Among that more avid fan base, Crash, Gladiator and Titanic might as well be four-letter words – the movies’ vast successes mutate to become their biggest crime. It’s a shame, but it’s true. Either way, whether the Academy Awards recognize the obscure or the popular, the esoteric or the easily accessible, Oscar night seems to produce far more losers than winners.

Not-Thin To Win?

The next President of the United States is still in doubt, but thankfully there are some things we can count on. Hilary Swank’s third Oscar win for Best Actress, for example. Swank, the Academy Award winner for Boys Don’t Cry and Million Dollar Baby, isn’t hyped to be a contender in this year’s race, but recently she signed on to a project that’s almost certain to provide her with another golden statuette – the film adaptation of Mireille Guiliano’s French Women Don’t Get Fat. True, the movie is still in development, and thus not a single frame of footage has been shot, but at this point it looks as if the only thing standing between Swank and Katharine Hepburn’s doorstep are a few boxes of Krispy Kremes.

Confused? According to reports first generated by E! Online, Swank is planning to gain 20 to 30 pounds for her performance in French Women in an effort to look, well, more American, I suppose. Whether the added weight will simply add some curve to her “alarmingly thin frame” or actually make her appear fat remains to be seen. But what’s been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt is that every trip Swank makes to Cold Stone from now until shooting begins only enhances her chances of taking home Best Actress gold.

See, physical transformation plays big in Hollywood, especially where women are concerned. Of the past 10 Best Actress Oscars, only two have gone to actresses for roles that allowed them to look nearly as sexy onscreen as they can appear off: Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich and Reese Witherspoon in Walk The Line. The other eight have gone to actresses who muted their beauty and/or made other significant physical transformations: Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare In Love (wears a mustache); Swank in Boys Don’t Cry (morphs Teena Brandon into Brandon Teena); Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball (sheds her Revlon); Nicole Kidman in The Hours (adds Virginia Woolf’s shnozz); Charlize Theron in Monster (two words: Aileen Wuornos); Swank in Million Dollar Baby (bulked up into a boxer’s body); Helen Mirren in The Queen (two more words: Queen Elizabeth); and Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose (her aging Edith Piaf looks like the ghastly vision of Large Marge in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure).

The above list isn’t meant to outright discount or otherwise diminish any specific performances. It’s meant to point out a trend. Since 2000, the Oscar for Best Actress has gone to the performer who – in comparison to her fellow nominees – most altered her physical appearance every time but once: Witherspoon’s win against Felicity Huffman’s performance in Transamerica. (The only other year it’s debatable is when Berry’s haggard look trumped Renee Zellweger’s plump personification of Bridget Jones.)

Which brings us to today’s Question For Which There Isn’t One Correct Answer: What’s the best way to measure great acting? Transformation, no doubt, is a key component, as it’s essential that we lose sight of the actor and believe in the character in front of us. But in many of the above cases, the most remarkable transformation was a product of excellence in the makeup trailer, not in front of the camera. Then again, it would be unfair to dismiss the responsibility of the actress to fill out her appearance. Acted poorly, Kidman’s credibility in The Hours is hindered by the Virginia Woolf proboscis instead of helped, for example.

Thus we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that those aforementioned winning performances have something else in common: an unusual complexity of character (actresses so often being unfortunately reduced to scenery). Still, when an actress is awarded for a relatively unglamorous portrayal, it’s difficult to keep from wondering if it’s the performance that’s being honored or if in actuality what’s being rewarded is the daring of the actress in shedding the very thing that Hollywood most appreciates: external beauty.

That news of Swank’s forthcoming weight gain should bring this hardly-original debate to the surface right now is serendipitous, because from here it’s only a tiny hop to the biting commentary of Tropic Thunder’s controversial Simple Jack construct, which has also been on my mind. Though that film explicitly mocks actors who play handicapped characters in an effort to get some awards-season recognition, Tropic Thunder perhaps also implicitly mocks any of us who reward such overly affected performances with equally over-the-top praise.

Which brings me to these questions: Sean Penn’s performance in I Am Sam is often considered repugnant, but not Tom Hanks’ turn in Forrest Gump. Why? Daniel Day-Lewis’ performance in My Left Foot is considered one of the best of all time, yet Dustin Hoffman’s Oscar-winning turn in Rain Man is now often met with disdain. Why? If the previous statements are true, is the fault actually found in Penn or Hoffman’s performances? Or did Hanks and Day-Lewis simply have more respectable (and more respectful) material to work with?

But let’s get back to Swank. That she’s a two-time Academy Award winner (based on as many nominations) is hard to fathom, in part because – despite her hardware – she doesn’t appear to be coveted by moviegoers or moviemakers. Yet her victorious performances were hardly undeserving of acclaim: in Boys Don’t Cry she’s as emotionally convincing as physically so, and while her win for Million Dollar Baby was almost certainly boosted by a respect for the tremendous dedication required to build a boxer’s body, her acting was equally determined. You can debate her Oscar wins, but she’s a fine actress, certainly, with a long career left.

Then again, if the above prediction proves true and Swank becomes only the second three-time Best Actress winner (Hepburn won it four times), her Oscar collection will suggest a level of legendary excellence among her era that would be misleading. And that’s why I hope the only way Swank gets recognized for French Women Don’t Get Fat is if her acting carries more weight than her In-N-Out augmented hips.

81st Oscars: There Will Be Blockbusters?

The 81st Academy Awards are a year away, but apparently it isn’t too early to predict the films that will vie for Best Picture. Your nominees will be: The Dark Knight, Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, Star Trek and Something Animated By Pixar or Dreamworks.

At least that’s what’s going to happen if you buy into any of today’s doomsday analysis of the dismal Nielsen ratings for Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony. With only 32 million viewers, the 80th edition of the Academy Awards had the smallest audience of any Oscars ceremony since 1974, when the Nielsen folks began tracking the numbers. And as if that weren’t bad enough, Sunday’s show drew the lowest household rating since the program’s national television debut in 1953. Ouch.

Lisa de Moraes’ story in The Washington Post details the reasons the broadcast bombed, while also nitpicking faults of the ceremony that likely had nothing to do with the low viewer turnout (excuse me, but if Americans were such snobs about writing, 24 would have tanked in its first season). Pretty much, it comes down to the reality that this year’s Oscars were “dominated by films no one's seen” while starring “actors no one's heard of.” “No one” being all the folks who wouldn’t come to “The Cooler” and who strive to keep Nicolas Cage an A-lister.

The question nobody seems to be asking however is whether the low viewer turnout is such a bad thing. I think we can all agree that, even beyond all the political reasons that certain performances or films are recognized or ignored from year to year, the Academy Awards are more about Hollywood selling itself than celebrating itself. The Oscars, and all the hype that comes with it, is a marketing event, and we movie fans are happy to be putty in Hollywood’s hands because, in the long run, movies – all movies – are better off with an annual awards show that everyone talks about than without one.

But if in 1998 the Academy Awards racked up 55 million viewers thanks to the masses who had helped Titanic rake in almost $500 million at the box office to that point, what did those monster Nielsen numbers do for the movie industry? Certainly there were gains. For example: Folks who fell in love with Kate Winslet that year saw her performance validated by an Oscar nomination. And, though she didn’t win an Oscar, we all got to see her look like a Hollywood icon as she walked down the red carpet and sat in the front row. Heading into 1997, Winslet was a someone “no one knew,” but by the end of the Oscars she was a star, and the Academy Awards exposure contributed to that evolution. And maybe, years later, more people went to see the unsettling Little Children than would have otherwise because they liked the actress in the lead. The trickledown effect is hard to measure exactly, but certainly the Oscars gave Winslet some celebrity mojo.

But that’s only part of the effect. True, compared to Titanic’s epic box office haul “no one” has seen No Country For Old Men (still closing in on $65 million domestically), but it stands to reason that more moviegoers who gave it a pass in theaters will give it a chance on DVD now that it carries a “Best Picture” stamp of approval. Thus, I’d argue that while the movie industry marketed itself to fewer people this Oscar night, it marketed itself more effectively (read: more profitably).

As just one piece of evidence, consider that Wild Hogs, starring familiar faces John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H Macy, received a paltry 15 percent favorability rating among critics at RottenTomatoes.com but finished 13th in the 2007 domestic gross rankings. The big-star movies sell themselves no matter how terrible, no matter how hyped. Thus, Hollywood gains more by bringing Javier Bardem out of the proverbial art house and into the living rooms of mainstream America, even if his image makes it into fewer living rooms, than it does by flaunting already-established stars. And the benefit for those of us who wouldn’t even consider watching Wild Hogs is that we might get more Bardem in the future and less Cage & Co.

In general, I loath this kind of discussion. You’ll rarely see such concepts discussed at “The Cooler” because I don’t care a lick about box office tallies or Nielsen numbers. I just want to be entertained, and I want to see cinematic art (both the highbrow and the lowbrow). Still, it’s a subject worth discussing because it’s crazy to think that the poor viewer turnout for this year’s ceremony won’t impact ceremonies to come. It’ll start with a change in hosts (something tells me they’ll offer Billy Crystal whatever it takes to have him host in 2009), but you can bet that it will also influence future slates of Oscar nominees. Next year there will be at least one Jerry Maguire in the field that the masses can rally around.

So we should care that a celebration of movies drew a lackluster reception on TV because the unusually just Academy Awards of 2008 could go down as a glimpse of Halley’s Comet rather than a sign of things to come. Hollywood will be determined to see that the Oscars stay relevant to the mainstream, and that probably means a return to pandering to the masses, at least for a while. So enjoy the memories of this Academy Awards season for as long as you can, because the fact that a lot of people didn’t watch the Oscars this year has a lot to do with why those of us who did felt so abnormally happy about what we saw.

The 80th Academy Awards: The Day After

So what did you think of Oscar night? Here at “The Cooler” we sure had fun. And thanks again to all of you who stopped by and joined in the live-blogging good time.

My only regret is that I didn’t invite Tom Shales of The Washington Post to pay a visit, because, wow, that home-skillet sure wasn’t digging last night’s doodle. Not even close. In his grumpy-old-man review of the festivities, Shales indirectly refers to the broadcast as at least nearly “The Worst Oscars Ever in the History of Hollywood.” Yikes.

That’s quite a statement. So let’s see what he didn’t like …

Shales’ primary complaint is that the show was “overstocked with clips.” And I can’t disagree there. The Oscars ceremony has always been fond of clips montages and pre-recorded bits, but this year’s abundant crop was dishearteningly dull. The all-digital opening was flat. The 80-years-of-Oscar-highlights montage soon after that took itself about as seriously as George Clooney took the act of announcing it (which is to say, not at all). And then there was the montage of all the Best Picture winners, presented chronologically and with their titles attached. That one really got on my nerves because every year I look forward to the mental exercise that comes with trying to identify as many films as I can within a given montage’s visual assault. This time there was no such thrill of the hunt.

It didn’t help that the presentation of these montages was so unimaginative, or that the duds came on the very same night that host Jon Stewart presented the “Binoculars and Periscope Montage” parody. Meanwhile, Jerry Seinfeld proved yet again that his Bee Movie humor is only cute as a concept. So, yeah, the clips reels sucked. But, on the other hand, we didn’t have to suffer through a single interpretive dance number. And that’s something.

The only insufferable portions of the show were the three tiresome musical numbers from Enchanted (I’m sure they’re cuter in the actual film). But Shales doesn’t take issue with any of that. Instead he contends that “there were hardly any emotional moments from winners on the stage.” Really? Well, let’s see: Marion Cotillard practically wet herself when her name was called for Best Actress and went to rubbery-legged pieces in a way that seemed totally genuine. Daniel Day-Lewis, in winning Best Actor, was gracious and succinct. Diablo Cody blubbered out a final thanks to her parents after winning Best Original Screenplay. Marketa Irglova made good of her unique post-commercial-break second chance at the microphone with some thoughtful words after she and Glen Hansard took Best Original Song. And Javier Bardem delivered a message to his mother in Spanish, which Shales must have enjoyed because the critic gets crabby with Stewart for openly declaring Bardem’s special speech “a moment.” “As if we were all too dumb to figure that out for ourselves,” writes Shales.

Based on the above, I suppose what Shales wants from Oscar winners is spontaneous combustion, or at least some Cuba Gooding Jr antics, or some Julia Roberts “stick man” foolishness. But what Shales obviously doesn’t want is more Stewart, whose performance last night he grades at “fair-to-middling … mostly middling.”

Actually, I thought Stewart was better than average. No, he didn’t deliver a single memorable one-liner. But he was affable, respectful and inoffensive, and that’s at least half the battle. When Stewart called Bardem’s message to his mom “a moment,” it wasn’t because he thought we missed it, it was because he knew that we didn’t. Stewart noted it because we were all thinking the same thing and weren’t quite ready to move on yet. And so he acted as our representative at the Kodak Theatre and gave us a voice. Stewart would do the very same thing later, in the best moment of the night, when he – like us – noticed that the orchestra had unintentionally played Irglova off the stage before she could speak. So he brought Irglova back on stage to let her have her moment in the spotlight. That’s a great host, folks!

I haven’t even mentioned yet that 14 different feature-length films took home awards last night. It was hardly a runaway bore as provided by Lord Of The Rings or Titanic. So even though the ‘favorites’ mostly won, yeah, the awards race was interesting right to the end. I also saw it reported this morning that this year’s Oscars marked the first since 1964 that no American won an acting award. And that’s at least somewhat interesting, right?

So I’m savoring last night’s Oscars. But not without a few parting shots:

1. Javier Bardem is an enormous talent who more than deserved his recognition as Best Supporting Actor. But the most painful part of last night was seeing the look of dejection on Hal Holbrook’s face. Remember how terrible you felt for Holbrook’s Ron Franz when the drifter he loves like a son decides to drift again in Into The Wild? Seeing Holbrook lose last night was that heartbreaking and then some. I don’t want to say that it can’t happen, but the look on Holbrook’s face said: “It ain’t gonna happen.” He isn’t going to win an Academy Award before he joins the ‘Those who left us…’ montage. And poor Hal had to digest that bitter pill while looking up on stage and seeing “Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson.” Ouch.

2. Another guy you’ve got to feel for is Paul Thomas Anderson. Look, I’ve got some problems with the third act of There Will Be Blood. And we can all agree that to consider that movie a masterpiece you must first buy into the genius of Daniel Day-Lewis’ performance, and some people don’t. So, that said, it was nice to see There Will Be Blood pick up Oscars for Best Actor and Best Cinematography. But Anderson has earned Oscar nominations as a writer and/or director for three different pictures: Boogie Nights, Magnolia and There Will Be Blood. And he’s oh-fer on little golden statuettes.

Like Martin Scorsese before him, Anderson’s films are dark and often genuinely unsettling and that’s part of the problem. Neither Scorsese nor the picture he directed won for Taxi Driver, Raging Bull or GoodFellas (to name three). But he eventually got his Oscar, and I think Anderson will, too. However, if not up against the stiff competition of the pretty-darn-dark No Country For Old Men, Anderson might have prevailed this year with what is certainly his most ambitious project to date (if not my personal favorite). I just hope he doesn’t eventually cash-in with something as pedestrian as The Departed.

3. Finally, if you haven’t seen this yet, I’m sure someone will be e-mailing it to you soon. Friend of “The Cooler” ARoss texted news of this event just after it happened last night. But here on the East Coast the Cooler King was foolishly tuned into Barbara Walters at the time and hadn’t yet fired up the live blog, so he missed seeing it and reporting on it.

There are three lessons to be learned from this clip, kids: 1) Stay away from drugs and use alcohol in moderation. 2) Stay away from Gary Busey at all times. 3) Add the 2004 stuntwoman documentary Double Dare to your Netflix queue to enjoy some high comedy as Busey (perhaps even sober; it’s tough to tell) attempts to sweet-talk Zoe Bell at a party. Now that’s a cameo that deserves an award!

This, well, it’s just uncomfortable: for Jennifer Garner, for whatever woman is trying to wrangle Busey and even for Busey himself. Not that he realized it at the time.

Celebrate Oscar Night: There's a party going on right here ...

Live-blogging the Academy Awards …

11:50: Over already? Wow. That actually went by pretty quickly for this blogger. Thanks to all of you who stopped by! And feel free to keep the comments coming tonight! I’ll be sure to follow-up with thoughts tomorrow. But for now this blogger (who has his alarm set for 5:03 am) needs to head to the after-party known as bedtime.

A wonderful night for celebrating a terrific year at the movies! Thanks everybody.

11:45: No Country For Old Men wins Best Picture, and I’m a happy camper. I’ve seen this film three times and it becomes more extraordinary each time. I believe it will go down as a genuine American classic. You know, I rooted for Gladiator the year it won (a down year) and for American Beauty before that (though my heart was and is still very much with Magnolia). But this is the first time since The English Patient that I wholeheartedly feel like the actual best picture of the year won the honor of Best Picture.

How are the rest of you feeling? Leave some thoughts in the comments section!

11:44: In a comment that will make even more sense next week (trust me), “This is it…!”

11:43: The Coens take Best Director, and I hope this is a sign of what comes next. Joel tells us that he and his brother have been making movies since they were kids. Would it be possible for Ethan to film his acceptance speech and post it on YouTube? Might be more expressive. Great filmmakers, awkward fellas.

11:40: I’m still pissed that Martin Scorsese’s Academy Award had to come for the crummy and over-praised The Departed.

11:35: Daniel Day-Lewis, who I believe has been wearing the exact same tux all awards season, kneels for the queen after getting the Oscar win for Best Actor that we all knew was coming. What a gracious man, and what a forceful performance! I have no objections to this win, but I have a hint of sadness for Tommy Lee Jones, who finally played restrained in the all too unwatched In The Valley Of Elah, and for Viggo Mortensen, who in Eastern Promises is just as bold as Day-Lewis without even approaching camp.

In his acceptance speech, Day-Lewis called his wife “enchantingly optimistic and open-minded.” Well, she’d have to be to wear that dress, wouldn’t she? See 8:13.

11:30: Is there anyone who doesn’t like Helen Mirren? And I said it last year and I’ll say it this year: she’s still bringing it!

11:25: Diablo Cody didn’t win Best Original Screenplay! Jane of the Jungle won! Wait, no. That’s Cody. Or whatever her real name is (honestly: does her husband really call her “Diablo”?). Hey, I’m a fan of Juno. It’s an original. But let’s hope it stays that way. Diablo: Is this a hint at your potential or the extent of it? Time will tell, home-skillet.

11:24: You’re down to a few more seconds until a former stripper is an Oscar-winning writer...

11:18: “Let’s move away from the dark side and back to the light,” says the Oscar-winning director of Taxi To The Dark Side, your Best Documentary winner. I loved No End In Sight and it’s a shame it goes home a loser. But, if you haven’t read it yet, I argued this week that a Taxi win could have a more significant effect on our present and future. Let’s hope so. See this movie, folks.

11:09: Atonement wins Best Score, and it could have gone no other way. Props to Dario Marianelli who had the balls to say, “I’m going to come up with a romantic score and add the sound of a typewriter to it ..." And he made it work. Brilliant!

11:05: We just paid our respects to all the movie artists who have left us this past year. Here at “The Cooler” we must give extra respect to Bud Ekins, who performed the famous motorcycle jump of Virgil Hilts in The Great Escape. Movie magic!

11:00: There Will Be Blood takes the Cinematography prize. It’s hard to top a burning derrick. A deserved win, and I'm happy to see this film get some love. Still, I have tremendous respect for the daring and transportive approach of The Diving Bell & The Butterfly. And this makes Edward Copeland calling The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford “the best Terrence Malick film that Malick didn’t make” all the more appropriate, because – like a Malick movie – it didn’t win.

10:59: Wow! Best Cinematography! Tough field. Can we go for a five-way tie?

10:58: Stewart brings Irglova back on stage to give the acceptance speech the orchestra didn’t give her a chance to deliver. That’s class. That’s what you want from a host! Well done!

10:50: Once wins for Best Original Song! Justice! Want to be enchanted? Look into Marketa Irglova’s eyes during this movie. Meanwhile, if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know this, Irglova and Hansard are a real-life couple...though the story about how he’s known her since she was 2 and he, um, wasn’t, is a little bit creepy. In fact, let’s crawl under the rock together and forget all about it, shall we?

10:49: New rule: If we have to suffer through performances of each song during the Academy Awards ceremony, then only one song per movie can be nominated. I’m done with Enchanted!

10:35: Robert Boyle picks up the honorary Oscar. Anybody who designed sets for Hitchcock is fine by me. In Cold Blood (I know; not Hitch) and North By Northwest: now I understand art direction and production design!

And this is one of the neat things about the Academy Awards: I go into tonight having never heard of Robert Boyle, and I leave feeling touched by the Academy’s recognition of his career. Cool!

10:30: What is Nicole Kidman doing with a chandelier hanging around her neck?

10:29: Bourne Ultimatum picks up its third win of the night, this time for Best Editing. A great pick here. I’m not a fan of the Paul Greengrass unsteadycam, but those fight scenes are amazing achievements in editing (and stunt choreography).

10:20: “Falling Slowly” from Once! Simply beautiful. Beautifully simple. Is it possible to watch Once and not fall in love?

10:13: Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress. And this isn’t her first award for this film, but I’m still calling this an upset. To beat the legendary Julie Christie and the hot thing of the moment Ellen Page is truly something. I haven’t seen La Vie En Rose (dammit), but I love Cotillard in Big Fish (a movie that reduces me to tears every damn time I see it). Good for her. And what a charmingly sweet acceptance speech!

Props, by the way, to Christie: I finally saw Away From Her and she’s nothing short of tremendous in a tricky role.

10:05: Appropriately enough, this Jonah Hill-Seth Rogan routine about who is more like Halle Barry feels almost as if it’s written by the supposedly brilliant Judd Apatow: mildly funny at first, then sweetly familiar, then tedious and interminable.

9:55: “That’s how you know…” is the refrain in the second song from Enchanted to be performed tonight. I love Amy Adams, and so I nearly went to this kid-targeted flick. Can’t say these songs are making me feel any remorse for missing it.

9:47: No Country For Old Men gets its second win of the night, this time in the category of Best Adapted Screenplay. Little Coen (Ethan) can’t come up with anything better than “Thank you.” Think Cormac McCarthy can scribble out an acceptance speech to adapt before Best Director comes up?

9:39: Tilda Swinton looks legitimately surprised to win Best Supporting Actress. Maybe that’s why she’s wearing a satin graduation robe with a sleeve missing.

9:18: Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor. Deservedly so. His Anton Chigurh is the most memorable monster since Hannibal Lecter. And if you haven’t seen The Sea Inside, put it in your Netflix queue right now. An amazing actor.

By the way: Remember that nanosecond when folks thought the “friendo” line was too quirky? Bardem has a certain milkshake to thank for that line evaporating from the over-scrutiny forum.

9:14: Best Supporting Actor montage includes "The Cuba Gooding Jr Moment." He got a standing ovation for that acceptance speech. And now he’s selling Hanes underwear. Draw your own conclusions.

9:11: Sweeney Todd wins for Best Art Direction. I’ve got to admit, I don’t quite understand the criteria of this category, but Sweeney Todd sure sounds like a deserving winner. Tim Burton’s films are always feasts for the eyes with tremendous ambiance.

9:08: The Golden Compass wins for Best Visual Effects. Amazingly four white guys we’ve never heard of before and will never hear from again each manage to speak before getting played off stage. Well done, fellas!

8:57: They’ve been calling Katherine Heigl the beautiful woman next door for months now, and I’ve never gotten it. Women who look like that didn’t even live in my neighborhood. But the trembling voice thing as she read the nominees for Best Makeup was endearing and very non-polished Hollywood. I still don’t buy her and Seth Rogan in Knocked Up, though. Not for a second.

8:54: Ratatouille wins the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Very deserving. It’s the best animated film since The Lion King. A masterpiece!

8:47: George Clooney, who always looks delicious, even to me, introduces the night’s first montage. It’s supposed to be a collection of 80 years of special Academy Award moments. Instead they mostly feel like outtakes. Bummer.

8:45: We’re at the first commercial break. To anyone following at home, let’s get that comments section going. If you could pick just one category tonight to ensure its winner, what would you pick? Which category matters the most to you tonight?

8:43: Elizabeth: The Golden Age takes Best Costume in the first award of the night. Well of course is does! I mean, were there even actors in that movie?

8:39: Stewart quips that usually when a woman or a black man are president that an asteroid is headed for the Statue of Liberty. Black-president remark is followed by a cut to Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes. It’s like a Republican National Convention.

8:36: This could go down as the line of the night. Stewart on Norbit, nominated for Best Makeup. “Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.”

8:34: Stewart on the dark themes found in several of tonight's nominated films: “Does this town need a hug? ... All I can say is thank God for teen pregnancy!”

8:32: Got our first obligatory Jack Nicholson shot of the night. Remember last year’s Academy Awards, when Jack was bald and we thought he’d lost his last marble and had truly gone insane, but it turned out he’d shaved his head for a role in The Bucket List, which was universally panned? I’d say advantage insanity, wouldn’t you?

8:30: Jon Stewart is back as our host tonight, and that makes me happy. His efforts to bring Daily Show shtick to the ceremony two years ago didn’t go all that well, but his taped introduction that concluded with him waking up in bed with Halle Barry and George Clooney was hilarious, and he’s a genuinely funny guy without an overbearing personality.

That’s what I want out of a host: someone who can open funny, give us at least one good adlib and generally keep the show moving along without annoying the piss out of me. Selecting my ideal hosts from the past 10 years, I’d go with Steve Martin No. 1, Billy Crystal No. 2, Jon Stewart No. 3 and Anyone Who Isn’t Whoopi Goldberg No. 4.

Which brings us to this… Anyone have any memorable host adlibs from recent Oscar ceremonies? I’ve got to go with the time Sean Connery wore that pirate-esque/Seinfeld-esque puffy shirt under his coat and Martin quipped that while some were wearing Armani, Connery was wearing “Red Lobster.”

8:27: Regis let’s us know that Javier Bardem goes by “Xavier.” Thankfully this boo-boo caps off the red carpet program. Time for the real deal!

8:23: Hillary Swank looks wonderful. Somewhere Chad Lowe is sobbing.

8:22: More stupid red carpet questions for a Best Actress nominee. To Ellen Page: ‘Your birthday was a few days ago, did you celebrate?’ Well, no. I figured I’d celebrate my birthday a week after it. You know, like everybody.

8:20: We’re at commercial, so it’s my chance to tell the West Coast peeps that they can pass on Barbara Walters’ interview with Ellen Page. Here’s what we learn: we don’t know anything about her. Thanks, Babs!

8:16: Regis Philbin asks Cameron Diaz about Daniel Day-Lewis’ habit of staying in character throughout a movie shoot. To illustrate what that looks like, Diaz stays in character as someone who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

8:13: Can someone explain to me why Daniel Day-Lewis’ wife is wearing a hood ornament on her chest?

8:08: We go to commercial with a shot of uber stars Marlee Matlin and Steve Guttenberg, who will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Hmm...is that an ABC show or something?

8:04: This just in: Edith Piaf, subject of La Vie En Rose, died in 1963, and Marion Cotillard played her anyway! Wow! Let’s just hand her the Oscar right now.

8:00: So, let’s see: I’ve been to two movies today and I’ve suffered through the Barbara Walters interviews. But I spy a red carpet, and I’m high on double-chocolate milano cookies (with a fresh bag nearby). So I guess that means it’s go-time!

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I dragged my feet on starting a blog until I could drag them no more. And then once I started blogging (albeit just a few weeks ago) I wondered why I’d dragged at all.

Which brings me to this: against my better judgment, tonight "The Cooler" will be live-blogging the Academy Awards (that means running commentary, blog neophytes; it doesn’t mean I’m at the Kodak Theatre). It’ll be punchy, it’ll be sloppy and it could be a one-time experiment for this writer. But it’ll give us something to do during those commercial breaks.

So get your favorite red-carpet attire from the dry cleaner or throw on your favorite pajamas. Either way, I’ll see you tonight!