83rd Academy Awards Live Blog

A full transcript of a very forgettable night is below. Read bottom to top.

82nd Academy Awards Live Blog

(All times Eastern | Remember to refresh often)

12:02: That's all, folks. I'm happy The Hurt Locker took the prize. Thanks to everyone who stopped by and left comments or just followed along. This blogger has to be up in five hours, so I'm off to bed. But keep leaving your thoughts in the comments section.

12:00: Kathryn Bigelow is losing her mind on stage right now.

11:59: Wait, are there two Mark Boals on stage?

11:58: Holy fuck! Tom Hanks walks on stage, says "The Hurt Locker" and it's over. Just like that.

11:58: And she made it through her acceptance speech without some obligatory thank you to James Cameron! Awesome!

11:57: The best tribute to Bigelow isn't the award. It's that Mark Boal had tears running down his face after her win and not his own. That says something.

11:55: Kathryn Bigelow wins Best Director and gets felt up by Barbara Streisand.

11:54: And we're back!

11:53: Best Director time ... and my TV just cut out!

11:52: The performance that got Sandra Bullock an Oscar wasn't all that special. But the acceptance speech was. For a moment, I just forgot I had to endure Oprah tonight.

11:49: "Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?" Wow. That felt painfully honest.

11:49: And heeeeeeeeeeeere's Sandy.

11:47: What was Sean Penn just babbling about?

11:45: In “our” movie Precious. Right, Oprah. You had nothing to do with that film until it was over. Barf.

11:44: Fucking Oprah.

11:40: OK. Fantasy over. Time for Sandypalooza.

11:40: Carey Mulligan rocks. I’m going to close my eyes for 2 seconds and pretend she’s about to win.

11:38: Wait, so if they’re going to do the actor-to-actor tributes for the ladies, who is going down memory lane about Gabourey Sidibe?

11:37: I think Jeff Bridges got possessed by The Dude halfway through his acceptance speech, but his comments about his parents were nice, man.

11:33: Jeff Bridges, it’s your moment. Enjoy it.

11:31: Those actor-to-actor tributes had their rough spots, but they ripped tonight’s broadcast out of its boring formula. For the first time tonight, I’m happy to be watching. And Kate Winslet is on stage. That doesn't suck.

11:29: Tim Robbins comes up with an (obviously fictional) anecdote that's 10 times funnier than anything the hosts came up with tonight in his tribute to Morgan Freeman. Good stuff.

11:26: Seeing Jeff Bridges’ eyes getting just a little misty during Michelle Pfeiffer’s tribute was the highlight of the night so far.

11:20: OK, so in many ways this Academy Awards is just like any other, but I have the distinct feeling that everyone thinks tonight's Oscar night is especially sucky. So what’s the reason? Poor hosts? A reflection of the films? A reflection of the fact that we all feel we’ve known the winners for the past two months? A lack of magic moments? Something else? All of the above?

11:17: Crap. I just missed which film won Best Foreign Film. I suck. I blame the fact that the grocery store didn’t have double chocolate milanos. I’m off my game. Sorry. I just know it wasn't The White Ribbon, which I still plan to review at some point.

11:15: Best Foreign Film time. Quentin Tarantino just said "France" like “Fronce” – you know, Alex Trebek style. You’d almost think he was cultured, until you remember that he has the Pussy Wagon parked at his house.

11:14: It pains me that Steve Martin is so not funny tonight.

11:10: Keanu Reeves announces the Best Picture montage for The Hurt Locker. If you could go back to about 1992, wouldn’t you bet that Reeves, and not John Cusack, would someday star in a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine? What happened?

11:07: Best Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. The guy seems to be doing his impersonation of Skippy from Family Ties.

11:05: When Tyler Perry said his name will probably never be mentioned again at the Oscars, did he think the joke was on the Academy?

11:01: Best Documentary goes to one of the two nominees I've seen, The Cove (the other being Food, Inc). I always intended to review that movie and never got around to it. There are some really exhilarating cinematic moments in there, which is pretty impressive considering that many were shot on hidden cameras.

10:55: Avatar wins Best Special Effects. This seems as good a time as any to make this observation: One line of reasoning says that Avatar will win Best Picture tonight because it’ll further validate the 3D craze that’s pumping money into a supposedly struggling movie industry. (See: Alice in Wonderland’s $210 million opening weekend.) That makes sense (and cents). But there’s nothing good about James Cameron winning Best Director, right? Unless the Academy is trying to validate blowhards, I mean.

10:53: The winner for Best Score just stole a story out of Steven Spielberg's biography for his acceptance speech.

10:51: I’m not the only one who used the interpretive dance portion to go to the bathroom, right?

10:47: Seriously, Jenny hasn't been on the block this much since 2002. What's with all the J-Lo love tonight? Halle Berry (you know, the Oscar winner) needs a new agent.

10:45: OK. I really hate it when a film’s success is held against it. But, honestly, when’s the last time you’ve thought about Slumdog Millionaire?

10:41: Oscar learns from last year’s mistake and only shows us the performer, James Taylor, to open and close the In Memoriam portion. Of course, that does nothing for Patrick Swayze fans, who had to squint to see his tribute.

10:40: Michael Jackson? Come on!

10:37: How can I ogle Demi Moore when she’s brought on to announce the In Memoriam section? Not cool.

10:35: Sandra Bullock goes through the Best Cinematography nominees like she’s driving the bus on Speed. Avatar wins, of course. Another guy in a tux thanks James Cameron.

10:29: Elizabeth Banks does the “Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible” recognition of the technical awards banquet. This banquet is always hosted by a pretty, young actress, probably because it’s a sausage fest. Next year I think they should hire Zac Efron just to show the nerds who’s boss.

10:28: Some other guy wins Best Sound Mixing for The Hurt Locker. And 95 percent of viewers still don’t understand the difference between the last two categories.

10:25: A guy who looks like a combination of Karl in Die Hard and Scotty in Boogie Nights wins Best Sound Editing for The Hurt Locker. Good for him.

10:23: So a year later the Oscars are still trying to appease fans of The Dark Knight with a making-of featurette on sound editing and mixing. Curious.

10:20: Honestly, I promise you that every audience gasped more frequently during Precious than during Silence of the Lambs. So I guess that means it's horror, according to this montage.

10:19: Thanks to the horror movie montage for inadvertently plugging the Steve McQueen Blog-a-thon with shots from The Blob.

10:18: OK. The Paranormal Activity riff was pretty funny. Maybe Martin and Baldwin should have prerecorded their entire hosting gig.

10:12: Thousands of people add Precious to their Netflix queues after its Best Picture montage somehow manages to include every uplifting moment in the film. Suckers.

10:11: Wow. The winner of Best Costume Design is so bored of winning Oscars that she’s practically ready to drop off hers at Goodwill tonight. I like the idea of not taking these awards too seriously, but that was almost offensively dismissive, wasn't it?

10:06: Best Art Direction time. I like this category. Avatar wins. Somewhere Jim Emerson is weeping. But I gotta say: Pandora in 3D was spectacular.

10:01: I’m glad that black actors and actresses are finally getting Oscar recognition; deservingly so. But Hollywood underlines its whiteness each year when the Oscar broadcast inevitably goes hunting for dark skinned faces and only finds a few. It’s like a Republican National Convention in there.

9:59: As I said in my review, Mo’Nique delivered a performance to remember in the film I’d love to forget. Very deserving win.

9:56: Best Supporting Actress time. Ro’bin Will’iams comes on to read the names of the nominees, including heavily favored Mo’Nique.

9:52: Queen Latifah is charming and all, but she’s also a sign of the many decades that went by without any decent roles for black women. She gets treated like she’s the female Sidney Poitier or something. It’s embarrassing.

9:50: Best Adapted Screenplay time. And Precious wins. Good lord. I’m so upset. I feel like I’m obese and illiterate and my dad raped me and now I’ve just found out I have AIDS. How should I channel this disappointment? Oh! I remember! “Write! Write!”

9:46: Time for a mini-rant: Look, the whole celebrity worship thing is totally out of whack in this country. But the Coens do their “we don’t give a damn” shtick to an equally immature degree, if you ask me. Face it, guys. You're in the game. Play it.

9:44: Just saw a clip from A Serious Man. Am I correct that only Ethan Coen has bothered to show up tonight? Does Joel have a good excuse? Or did I just miss him?

9:41: After some goofy fun with Ben Stiller dressed as one of the Na’vi, the crew from Star Trek wins Best Makeup. Exactly how much makeup was in that movie, other than Spock’s ears?

9:37: The acceptance speech for Best Live Short goes to two guys who simultaneously win the award for Most Uncomfortable on Stage.

9:35: So a possibly poignant acceptance speech for Documentary Short gets interrupted by a woman who scolds the man for talking while overlooking her own poor etiquette. She acts like a party crasher but isn't, I guess. That was unfortunate.

9:34: Best Documentary Short goes to Music by Prudence. And what the fuck is going on …?

9:30: Best Animated Short time. I’ve seen exactly none of these, except an excerpt from Logorama, which wins as predicted. Nice gimmick, I guess.

9:25: I hate to go here, but was anyone else thinking about Macaulay Culkin’s childhood friendship with Michael Jackson as he was driving the point home about how John Hughes respected him?

9:23: I think Dr. Drew just saw all those John Hughes alums on stage and got an idea for a new reality show.

9:20: I can’t decide if that montage of John Hughes movies makes me grateful I’ll never have to be a teenager again or suicidal that I’m now a soulless adult.

9:17: Molly Ringwald takes the stage. Must be time to pay tribute to her dead career. Oops. Wrong again. It’s time for a John Hughes tribute.

9:16: And Jason Reitman wins Best Original Screenplay. Oops. Nope. That’s Mark Boal. This is a big win for everyone hoping that Avatar won’t win Best Picture tonight.

9:15: Could Inglourious Basterds get some love here? Pretty please.

9:13: Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr., provide the first genuine laughs of the night before reading the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. J-Lo covers her mouth laughing … but I think that’s her continued amazement that she’s sitting so close to the stage.

9:11: The Academy Awards … providing courtesy laughs from A-listers!

9:09: By the way: One of the Best Original Song winners said he loves his wife “more than rainbows.” No word on if she loves him more than unicorns. But I sure hope so.

9:05: “There are a lot of secrets in District 9.” One of them is that after a promising start, the film is reduced to a mindless action flick.

9:04: You knew Crazy Heart would bring home a Best Song statuette. And it does. Great music. Good film.

9:02: In the montage for the Best Song category, I lose 10 more seconds of my life to Nine. Damn.

9:00: Miley Cyrus insists that both she and Amanda Seyfried are nervous, but only Hannah Montanta is stumbling over herself.

8:58: Best Animated Feature Film goes to Up. Doug the dog rules! And Wes Anderson fans everywhere are smashing their monogrammed luggage.

8:52: So as they went to commercial, I think I caught a shot of Demi Moore sitting next to an obvious seat-filler. It looked like a new trailer for the cougar version of She’s Out of My League.

8:50: Classy acceptance speech for Waltz. I am content. Let the shit break loose.

8:49: Christoph wins! “Uber-bingo!” Yes!

8:48: OK, that Hans Landa montage makes me want to turn off the Academy Awards and watch Inglourious Basterds right now. But …

8:47: Best Supporting Actor time. It should be Christoph Waltz. It will be Christoph Waltz. If it isn’t Christoph Waltz I’m quitting the live blog. This is the only award tonight to which I’m emotionally attached.

8:44: Wow. I never thought I’d say this: Bring back Whoopi Goldberg. That was a rough opening.

8:40: Sam Worthington is not laughing. Sadly, I’m not either.

8:38: OK. So basically the producers of the Academy Awards said, “You know how the banter between awards presenters is always forced and lame?” Let’s play that up by having two hosts! Genius!

8:35: Wow. I saw that first joke coming from 3,000 miles away. Not a promising start.

8:34: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, ladies and gents. I’m excited about the first part.

8:31: And it’s Neil Patrick Harris. Cue up a musical number.

8:30: Here we go!

8:27: Bye, Kathy. I’ll miss you. Next stop ... the Academy Awards.

8:22: Can Kathy Ireland ask questions all night? She’s really entertaining.

8:16: Sarah Jessica Parker is in her Queen Amidala gown with a Matthew Broderick handbag. Huh? What? That’s actually Matthew Broderick? Oh.

8:14: Jennifer Lopez says Precious was a tough movie to watch “at times.” If by “at times” she meant from the opening credits to the closing credits, she nailed it.

8:12: There’s Morgan Freeman. If he waves to the crowd tonight will people think he’s playing Nelson Mandela again? Oscar! Oscar!

8:10: At what point does it become unacceptable to find Helen Mirren sexy? She’s amazing. And Vincent Price looks good, too. Oh, wait. That’s Christopher Plummer. My bad.

8:09: This just in: Kathy Ireland is going to replace Michael Phelps as the next spokesperson for Rosetta Stone. It’s how she learned English, apparently.

8:08: Winner for Best Over-Enunciation … Kathy Ireland, ladies and gentlemen.

8:04: Kathy Ireland “can’t wait” for Prince of Persia. Well, there’s one person.

8:02: Somewhere Pedro Almodovar is pissed that Penelope Cruz isn’t showing gratuitous cleavage tonight. (OK, so he’s not the only one.)

7:53: Ryan Seacrest figures that Crazy Heart was in Jeff Bridges’ “comfort zone” because he’s a musician. That makes sense. And then there’s the fact that Bridges is an actor. That might have helped.

7:50: My favorite red carpet moment so far was when Ryan Seacrest asked Sigourney Weaver about her initial thoughts reading the Avatar screenplay. Weaver said they were, “Wow!” and “Unreal!” I presume her next thought was, “I can’t believe my career has gotten to the point that I’m considering playing a character with such pitiful dialogue.”

7:48: By the way, if you’ve been taking a drink each time Sandra Bullock has been referred to as “Sandy” tonight, you are absolutely wasted. I wonder if she’s seated near Marty Scorsese and Bob Redford?

7:45: Quick takes on what I’ve seen from the red carpet so far: Faith Hill is dressed like she’s working a brothel in a Western movie; Sarah Jessica Parker appears to be wearing a dress designed by Queen Amidala; Amanda Seyfried looks fantastic; George Clooney amazingly doesn’t look totally perfect (what’s with the hair?).

7:00: Welcome to the live blog of the 82nd Academy Awards. Allison’s Red Carpet Live Blog is still going strong, so open up another browser window and multitask, people. I'll be back later.

Red Carpet Live Blog (2010)

This live blog is by Allison Morris of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: That wraps the Red Carpet Live Blog. Here's Jason.

8:25: Miley's eye makeup looks stunning. Too bad I am sidetracked by the fact that one of her front two teeth is three inches shorter than the other.

8:20: Sarah Jessica Parker looks terrible. Terrible makeup. She's not aging gracefully at all. It wouldn't hurt her to put a few pounds on her frame. Her husband constantly looks bored and disgusted by all this, but you can tell she loves it. I don't blame her. It would be fun to wear a Chanel dress on loan. Cameron Diaz obviously practiced the same answer: Something about this being an opportunity to catch up with people she hasn't seen since working with them. It's an odd answer, but I guess it helps her justify being there. She looks extremely tired. Or drunk. Or stoned.

8:12: Helen Mirren is so pretty. She looks beautiful. Part of that has to do with the fact that she doesn't look like she's had 47 botox injections. Also, ABC must have worked tirelessly to build this cover for the red carpet. It's very, very windy here today, but we're not seeing any of that. Everyone seems warm and there are no flyaways.

8:08: Because of this live-blog, my husband just went to the store for Sunday night grocery shopping. I won't even describe my level of anxiety, but here's to hoping we aren't eating Oreos for dinner.

8:07: I love the supporting actress category. It's a cool feature to see them all standing next to each other. There's been a lot of rumors that Maggie G. got plastic surgery on her face. I was trying to see what it would be, but she looks the same to me. After the supporting actress group interview, we are thrown to Maggies brother, Jake G., being interviewed by the world's most annoying interviewer.

8:00: Cameron Diaz is not wearing red. And she looks baked out of her mind. This is the end of the E! coverage so I am switching to ABC now.

7:55: It's so tacky for Ryan to constantly push nominees. Why would he ask, "Are you ready for your speech?" Sure, there are frontrunners, but what does he expect them to say? And when he's asking Sandra about her speech, what is he supposed to say to Meryl Streep? It's in poor taste, Ryan.

7:45: I am a huge Robert Downey, Jr., fan. Huge. Please, please, please don't let him fall off the wagon. His life is better when he's off the bad shit. He's great for movies. He's hot. His wife runs his shit. He's a good man. I am pulling for him. One of my favorite movies ever is Less Than Zero, but I sometimes wonder if it lead to bad things for him. He's one of those very serious actors who dives into his roles, so I do not condone him playing Ozzy Osborne in a movie. Ever.

7:42: Keanu Reeves needs to shave that shit off his face. Wow. Just saw Kristen Stewart. She looks really good. She's smiling, and doesn't seem miserable. Why does Ryan insist on introducing people on the red carpet. It really creates awkward moments. However, I really loved that Gabourey Sidibe fist-bumped Keanu. However, I don't follow the porn comment.

7:35: I would really like to drink with George Clooney for one night. I hate his hair tonight, but he's tipsy, happy, and really funny. He doesn't take himself to seriously, and really doesn't seem affected by any of this. Good for him. Clooney and company are followed by Meryl Streep her just OWNED Ryan. Also, I will take back my snark on J-Lo because she seemed really sweet when talking to Ryan.

7:30: Matt Damon does not play. He's not being rude to Ryan, but you can tell that he thinks the questions are bullshit (or by this point he's sick of answering the same questions), and that he doesn't want to waste his time doing this. At least he was nicer than Angelina Jolie last year. Just got a glimpse of Jason Bateman. He is yummy. Also just got a glimpse of J-Lo, and I'm wondering why she is there. She never met a red carpet she didn't love. I know that her ass is her best feature, but that dress makes her look even wider than usual.

7:23: How adorable is Stanley Tucci? I love him. What. The. Fuck. is Charlize Theron wearing? She should have laid off the apple pipe when she picked out her dress. It's unfortunate because she's beautiful. But, no one will be looking at her face. They'll be looking at her boobs. I guess that's probably how it usually for most girls anyway.

7:17: I am not even going to touch Miley and her mom. If my mom had those back tattoos, she would not be with me at the Oscars in a backless dress. Anyway, I almost feel like I shouldn't even discuss what Kathryn Bigelow is wearing. The fact that she could potentially become the first female to win an Oscar for directing makes me want to talk about her work instead of her look. Unfortunately, I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if she truly deserves the nod, but it's 2010 and I think it's about time that a woman wins for directing. Not to mention, she would be edging out her ex-husband, James Cameron. I don't care if the divorce was amicable or not - that would probably feel damn good. Especially considering The Hurt Locker cost 1/20 of what Avatar cost. You go girl!

7:10:Tim McGraw is drunk. Or something. Faith Hill is a very pretty lady, but she doesn't look that stunning tonight. I don't like her makeup. Also, is Ryan the shortest person on the red carpet? Come on, Miley Cyrus. Quit channeling your inner Kristen Stewart and stand up straight. Act like you belong there. Even though you don't.

7:03: I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry (or TP if you're Ryan Seacrest) just gave a shout out to my blog.

7:00: I definitely like when people take risks with their fashion, but I'm on the fence about Diane Kruger's dress. The detail is impressive, and it's very feminine, but I don't like the black thing around her neck. I think I like the dress from the waste down. By the way, Sandra said "poo poo" on the red carpet.

6:55: EEEK! Sandra looks GORGEOUS. She looks like an Oscar winner! Her body is flawless - she looks fit. There's a difference between fit and anorexic. Fit people eat and workout. Anyway, her hair looks beautiful and the dress looks fantastic. She's the frontrunner for Best Actress, and she certainly looks the part.

6:45: Could there be two opposite ends of the Hollywood spectrum standing side by side than James Cameron and Maggie Gyllenhaal? The box office giant and the little Indie star. She looks really pretty. Her dress is different. It fits her nice. I'm still deciding if I love it.

6:40: Ryan and Ryan are totally acting like Sandra Bullock has a dick! WTF. I feel your pain, Sandy! (And, I'd love to have a brother/sister relationship with Ryan Reynolds. It would be called incest).

6:35: I wish I could get back the two minutes of my life that I spent watching Nicole Richie be interviewed on the red carpet. Her best known role: Paris Hilton's sidekick on a REALITY SHOW. Why is she being interviewed? On the flip side, I love Vera Farmiga's dress. And, I really loved her performance in Up in the Air. Her interview with Ryan is not going so well. It went from bad to worse when she labeled Kathryn Bigelow as her pick for Best Director, forgetting that Jason Reitman was nominated for Up in the Air. Poor thing. She didn't mean any harm by it, but it will probably stick with her for the rest of the night.

6:30: Why is Ryan asking everyone on the carpet if they saw Avatar? Ryan, everyone saw Avatar. It's the highest grossing movie ever. That dress that Zoe Saldana is wearing is terrible. She gorgeous, so it almost works, but the ti-colored ruffles aren't doing it for me.

6:23Was E! behind the scenes with Ryan and Giuliana Rancic to try and convince us that she eats? I am not buying it.

6:20: Do you think Maria Carey knows that she's no longer relevant? I will give her credit that she's still working. And working hard at trying to remain atop the Hollywood A-list. But, she's sloppy. And I cringe every time she talks. She looks fine. Nothing special. Nothing crazy. Just meh. At least she isn't falling out all over the place.

6:15: Boo. I love Anna Kendrick. Her dress is very pretty, but the color completely blends in with her skin. She handled Ryan's question about the dissed dress really well. She's very well spoken and renews my faith in young Hollywood. Mo'Nique seemed to be very genuine and sweet when meeting Anna. That was really nice to see. Except I don't know what Mo'Nique just meant about kids in grown up faces. And, I believe Ryan just guaranteed a win for her. The first reference to rain!

6:08: Zac Efron is wearing too much makeup and self tanner. He saw Avatar four times. And, he's jerking off Sam Worthington. By the way, when Sam told Ryan that the Avatar took 15 months to make, I had flashbacks of Leo DiCaprio doing press for Titanic. Remember how someone laced the lobster chowder on the set of the Titanic with PCP? I always figured Leo was ready for a break after a grueling filming schedule or that someone felt the mood needed to be lifted.

5:55: By Los Angeles standards, it's cold today. Even worse: there's wind. This will make for an interesting red carpet. Wind does not work well with pretty hair. I don't know what I'd do if I was a famous Hollywood actress on a cold, windy night in a backless dress. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. I would probably beg for some kind of jacket or wrap. But, designers want their dresses to be seen, so it's not often that you see these women covered up. They are better people than I.

So, there will be an extra factor going on tonight. It will be fun to see how all the pretty people smile despite being cold. Because you know most of them haven't eaten in a week to decrease their body fat even further, which means less protection from the elements.

2:00: To think there was a time when I thought Matthew McConaughey was dreamy. I wouldn’t be surprised if that statement alone gets me kicked off The Cooler. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was the nail in the McConaughey coffin. Or was it Fool's Gold? That was some shit right there.

Why am I even talking about him? He has nothing to do with the Oscars. Except that he used to date Sandy, who by many accounts is the frontrunner to win Best Actress (The Blind Side) this year – a year that she also starred in All About Steve. At least she was in that dreadfulness before she knew she might win an Oscar. Too bad the same can’t be said for Gwyneth Paltrow, who starred in Shallow Hal AFTER she won the statuette for Shakespeare in Love.

If my memory serves me correctly, I don’t think Jason is a big Sandra fan. I think it might be this quote from his blog, “Because most sports movies are mediocre, and because most movies starring Sandra Bullock are worse than that and because I have read the book upon which it is based, I had no intention of seeing The Blind Side.”

I like Sandra because she seems like a real person. She doesn’t seem to be driven by PR or fake bullshit the way a lot of actors are. Just think, in the weeks leading up to the Oscars, there haven’t been a lot of “random” tabloid photos of her, she hasn’t been seen with a cup of Starbucks walking in a Pap friendly neighborhood, and she hasn’t been campaigning for this win. I totally don’t count her husband’s dog being lost in Long Beach as a PR stunt. I might be wrong on this, but who would throw their dog on the 405 in Long Beach for PR?

OK, maybe Aniston.

But not my Sandy. She is funny. She isn’t stick thin. She has a personality. And a bad-boy husband.

Love. Her.

I haven’t seen The Blind Side, so I can’t comment on her performance. However, I will be here at The Cooler starting at 6 pm ET to see what she’s wearing.

I’m not here to discuss which performance was the best or what movie deserves the nod. I will say this though: Avatar better not win. Excuse me for not doing jumping jacks over a movie with cool effects in 2010. And, please, don’t insult me by trying to mask that bullshit story with pretty 3D birds and 12-foot tall blue men that look anorexic. I’m much more of an Up in the Air kind of girl. I like movies that have meaning behind what you see. Movies that have multi-layered characters, and storylines that leave me thinking about it four days later. I thought Anna Kendrick was phenomenal in Up in the Air, in part because of how she held her own with Clooney. Impressive feat for a girl who was in Twilight. She stole the movie for me.

Kendrick is a long shot to win Best Supporting Actress; by all accounts it’s Mo'Nique’s to lose. But I love this category. Loved Vera Farmiga (nothing but a tie, hello!), and I'm a lover of Maggie Gyllenhaal because of her performance in one of my all time favorite movies – Secretary. (Like I said, I like movies that make you think.) I am very excited to see what Maggie wears because she definitely won’t be in a simple – and safe – little black dress a la Aniston. She’ll be bold, and different, and I like that. I also can’t wait to see Carey Mulligan. Now that’s a gorgeous girl. How I wish I could wear short hair like that.

Looking forward to gossiping with you all.

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.

Programming Note: Two Oscar Night Live Blogs

And just like that, it’s Oscar weekend. Being perfectly honest, I’ve paid so little attention to the awards races this season that while I think I could name all of the rumored frontrunners in the major categories, I could by no means name all of the nominees. For example, who is contending with Anna Kendrick to be runner-up to Mo’Nique in the Best Supporting Actress race? I can’t remember. Not that it matters. I’ll go into Sunday with my usual Oscar-weekend attitude: crossing my fingers that some of my favorites might win, being filled with joy if they do, and otherwise shrugging off the night’s unavoidable disappointments and injustices. It’s a fun yearly tradition, and I’m pleased to say that my recent Oscar tradition will continue, too: live-blogging.

Just like last year, The Cooler is offering you two live blogs on Oscar night. My dear friend Allison Morris, who usually blogs about her life at Tales From LaLa Land, will once again be helming the Red Carpet Live Blog starting at 6 pm ET. Allison got married over the past year, but the self-proclaimed “clusterfuck” assures me she’s only barely matured and is still well qualified to make crass yet entertaining observations about Ryan Seacrest. With any luck, she’ll bring with her a posse of equally entertaining friends, so keep an eye on the comments section. I’ll start my official 82nd Academy Awards Live Blog sometime before the telecast begins on ABC at 8 pm ET.

These live blogs are greatly improved with your participation. So, come Sunday evening, please put down the Twitter and come hang out at The Cooler. It’ll be a fun party. Hope to see you there!

81st Academy Awards Live Blog

The 81st Academy Awards Live Blog is over. Enjoy the transcript and feel free to leave your thoughts about the night in the comments section. Thanks to all of you who stopped by.

(All times Eastern)

11:57: It starred Hugh Jackman and it felt a hell of a lot shorter than Australia, so that’s a positive. The 81st Academy Awards are history. Thanks all for stopping by! Here’s to the movies!

11:53: Jai Ho, everybody. (Should I know what that means?) Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture. Between Freida Pinto and the closing dance number, it’s a joy to experience. And I hope those kids who left such an indelible mark on this picture will be rewarded financially. Meanwhile, I hope we’ll be rewarded for (mostly) suffering through 2008 with a more 2007-esque year in film ahead. We’ll see.

11:52: And Best Picture goes to …

11:46: Sean Penn wins Best Actor. OK. I was ready for that. And if I didn't feel like Rourke had his lightning-in-a-bottle opportunity here, I’d feel better about this. Given all that Penn did to help Milk get made in the first place, he’s especially deserving. And if Milk isn’t going to win Best Picture, at least it wins something. (Plus it was an excuse to see Robin Wright Penn. And that’s always a good thing.)

11:40: Google? Really? Adrien Brody might as well have started his introduction: “I had no fucking clue who Richard Jenkins was until 10 minutes ago when they told me that I’d be introducing him.”

11:38: Best Actor is up. Please be Mickey. Please be Mickey. Please be Mickey.

11:35: Right actress, wrong film. Kate Winslet wins Best Actress. Hers is a tremendous career already, with her better days ahead, I’m sure. As you’d expect, her acceptance speech is confident yet humble, and as sincere as these things get. Class.

11:30: Seriously, Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like he crept in to rob the joint and sat down behind Meryl Streep. Note to producers: never seat him on the aisle.

11:29: Goodness. These women are all going to be crying before a winner is announced.

11:26: Best Actress time. Wow. All of a sudden things are picking up. The buzz is that this is Winslet’s year. Which reminds me: Did you catch the story earlier this week when Winslet said she’s going to stop doing nude scenes in movies? The story I read supplemented that announcement with the note that Winslet has been nude in 10 films. How the hell did they know that? Is that a statistic on the back of her trading card? If so, what’s on the front of her trading card? And can I have one?

11:24: Danny Boyle wins Best Director and does an impression of Tigger. I’m down with that. Boyle’s a solid filmmaker who has made a handful of films better than this one. Slumdog Millionaire isn’t going to be a movie that people cherish for years, but it sure is cherished now. And that’s OK. It says a lot about these times, when we’re all looking for hope. Says a lot about this year in film, too, which was far from extraordinary.

11:20: Reece Witherspoon looks radiant, if you don’t look at her dress, which seems inspired by that witch in Sleeping Beauty.

11:15: Nothing against Queen Latifah, but I don’t want to watch her walking the stage during the tribute to those who died in the past year. What a terrible presentation. I have a widescreen TV. If I didn’t, I would have struggled to tell who was being remembered given that picture-in-picture approach. Pleased, however, to see critic Manny Farber recognized. Charlton Heston and Paul Newman lost in the same year. Sad, and somehow fitting. And did I blink when they showed Heath Ledger?

11:09: Departures wins for Japan. If you had that in your office pool, you just got one that no one else did.

11:05: Time for Best Foreign Film. I’ve seen The Class and Waltz With Bashir of this year’s nominees. The Class is one of those films I’m pleased to have seen and yet have no desire to see again. Ever. The Class makes us feel like we’re spending a year in a high school classroom, which is to say that it’s often painful. I can’t count the number of times I wanted to yell at the kids to calm down and shut the fuck up. I don’t know how teachers do it. Hats off to you!

11:02: Danny Boyle has his hands on his face again, which means Slumdog just won. Again. They’re almost out of nominees, aren’t they? I mean: Congratulations for winning Best Original Song!

10:58: Peter Gabriel goes on strike for his part in the medley of Best Original Song nominees. This is the third year in a row that at least two nominees in this category have come from the same film, Slumdog in this case. Is it me, or is all this Slumdog love almost uncomfortable at this point, as if Americans just discovered India and think it’s really neat?

10:54: Bow-wow-wow, yippy-yo, yippy-yay, bow-wow, yippy-yo, yippy-yay. Slumdoggy Dog wins again. This is boring.

10:50: Here comes Best Music (Score). In a perfect world, this is a two-way race between WALL-E and The Dark Knight. Alas, no nomination for The Dark Knight. I’m wearing my Sunday clothes here … let’s give it to WALL-E. (By the way: James Newton Howard’s score for Defiance is a blatant rip off of his other story-in-the-woods score for The Village, mixed with, um, allusions to John Williams score for Schindler’s List.)

10:44: The last time we saw Eddie Murphy at the Oscars he was not winning for Dreamgirls. Now he’s presenting the humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis, even though Lewis recently said in an Entertainment Weekly interview that he wished he hadn't allowed Murphy to remake The Nutty Professor, dissing Murphy’s fart jokes along the way. Ignoring for the moment that Lewis doesn't have the right to call someone else’s humor lowbrow, the Academy Awards have been pretty damn awkward for Murphy.

10:41: You know what’s worse than ABBA? These damn Best Buy commercials.

10:40: Since we just blazed through the technical awards, an observation: Put me in the camp that doesn’t understand the nomination of Brad Pitt for Best Actor. His character is a cipher to be acted upon, and what little emotion he displays is often the product of CGI. Yes, that’s what the role calls for. I don’t fault Pitt. But if we’re going to nominate digitally enhanced performances, let’s give a nomination to WALL-E. Or let’s go back and nominate Andy Serkis for his portrayal of Gollum. Just sayin’.

10:35: Silence Of The Slumdog Millionaire Of The Rings wins Best Film Editing. I'm detecting a pattern.

10:32: Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Sound Mixing. A breathless sound mixer “can’t believe it.” Right, because everybody knows the sound mixer from Wanted was the heavy favorite to win.

10:29: The Dark Knight wins Best Sound Editing. Happy to see TDK pick up another Oscar, fanboys across the country stop beating their imaginary girlfriends.

10:25: Benjamin Button takes Best Visual Effects. There would have been something fundamentally wrong if it didn’t, considering the film is nominated for Best Picture.

10:17: Man On Wire wins Best Documentary (Feature). Happy about that. In a down year in film, that was one of the most enthralling and suspenseful stories, even though there was no doubt how it would end. In acceptance, tightrope walker Phillippe Petit performs some magic and Oscar balancing. That guy loves an audience, that’s for sure. That he knows what to do with that audience is what counts.

10:12: And it’s Heath Ledger for Best Supporting Actor. Justice. A “special” performance, indeed. And a “special” performance by his family in accepting his award. Amazing strength.

10:07: It’s gotta be Heath Ledger. For so many reasons. Most of all, that he gave us a tremendous performance despite monumental expectations and made it unique.

10:06: Cuba Gooding Jr jokingly criticizes Robert Downey Jr’s “blackface” performance by noting that “brothers need the work.” Uh, yes, Hanes man. Some of them do.

10:05: Seriously. What were the odds that Philip Seymour Hoffman would be the first person to wear a do-rag to the Oscars? Reminds me of that joke on The Office: “If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I’m going to be rich!”

10:03: It’s Best Supporting Actor time. All across the country bitter fanboys of The Dark Knight have lighters in one hand and Molotov cocktails in the other. If Heath Ledger doesn’t win, this is gonna get ugly.

9:58: And now I’ve got ABBA stuck in my head. They’re shutting down Gitmo because of cruelty like this.

9:55: Hugh Jackman does a song-and-dance number. Beyonce does a lip-synch-and-dance number. Sasha didn’t get very Fierce there, did she? Disappointing.

9:43: I thought Mama Mia looked plenty terrifying from its trailer. Now in a Pineapple Express-themed montage I just caught a glimpse of Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan wearing sequins. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

9:38: Someone tell Jessica Biel that the front left of her dress is untucked. What’s that? It’s supposed to be that way. Oh. That’s a shame.

9:34: Best Cinematography goes to Slumdog Millionaire. Get out of the way, folks.

9:31: I give it to Ben Stiller. He’s unafraid. I found the real Joaquin Phoenix meltdown to be tragic. But out of tragedy comes comedy. Then again, a “Hasidic meth lab”? First time that phrase has ever been used, I’d guess.

9:30: Props to the producers for showing the James Franco and Sean Penn liplock in that love montage. Even just a few years ago, all we would have seen was a knowing nod or a peck on the cheek. Progress, folks. Progress. One tiny step at a time.

9:25: Here’s Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame. That tremble you just felt was the reverberation of thousands of teenage girls having a simultaneous orgasm.

9:23: Benjamin Button for Best Makeup Applied By A Computer. What’s that? That’s not what this category is called? Oh. Well. In that case, The Dark Knight just got screwed.

9:20: Again, I didn’t see The Duchess, but it just had to win Best Costume, didn’t it? Ho-hum, let’s move on.

9:17: But it’s Benjamin Button for Best Art Direction. Hmm. If the scenes that got Benjamin Button the win are eligible for this category, WALL-E should be in this category, too.

9:15: I didn’t see The Duchess, but Changeling would be a good pick here for Best Art Direction. It sure looked the part. Sadly, that’s about all that it did.

9:09: Dammit. I didn’t see La Maison En Petits Cubes. I did see Presto!, so if it's better than that, it’s tremendous. Speaking of which: When you rent WALL-E, be sure to watch the other short, Burn-E. Wonderful fun.

9:06: Andrew Stanton wins for WALL-E! The live blog can continue! I heard Stanton on NPR’s “Fresh Air” earlier this year. He said something I still haven’t forgotten. He called animators “shy actors.” Damn straight. Little WALL-E turns in one of the best performances of the year.

9:04: Looks like we’re coming up on Best Animated Feature Film. There isn’t a bigger slam-dunk in the pool this year than WALL-E, right? And deservedly so. It’s my best film (overall) of 2008. If it doesn’t win, I’m turning off the TV. (That’ll make for an interesting live blog, won’t it?)

9:01: Simon Beaufoy wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Let the Slumdog Millionaire party begin, I guess. It’s a sweet movie, but not sweet enough to dominate tonight. Let’s hope this doesn’t get all Lord Of The Rings.

9:00: Now Best Adapted Screenplay is up. I don’t like any of these screenplays.

8:58: Dustin Lance Black wins Best Original Screenplay for Milk. If this means it might upset for Best Picture tonight, I’ll be thrilled. That’s my favorite picture of the nominees this year.

8:55: I love Steve Martin. And after all the Sarah Palin stuff, I’m glad to see Tina Fey get some Oscar-night love. Best Original Screenplay time. I’d be really fookin’ happy to see In Bruges get some love here.

8:50: Penelope Cruz wins Best Supporting Actress. A well-deserved win. Although she’s even better in Elegy. Fitting start, because Kate Winslet will likely win Best Actress tonight for The Reader even though she was far superior in Revolutionary Road. Touching acceptance speech by Cruz. Grace, dignity and a peek at the real woman inside. This is why we watch.

8:47: I’m pulling for Tomei here. No truth to the rumor, by the way, that Tomei has gone online to bet millions on herself in the “Nominated Actress to Be Photographed at the Oscars with Her Nipple Uncovered” category.

8:46: Goldie Hawn? Bring back Whoopi!

8:45: Fucking Whoopi. Please go away.

8:44: You know the usual awkwardness when there are two presenters? Well, now we have the awkwardness of five presenters. Not an improvement.

8:43: Here comes the award for Best Supporting Actress. Marisa Tomei begins to weep when she sees that Jack Palance won’t be announcing tonight’s winner.

8:38: It’s official. Hugh Jackman can host these awards anytime. Terrific opener. More show, less biz. The way it should be.

8:36: Anne Hathaway, everybody. Have I mentioned loving her? Brilliant!

8:34: Thank you!

8:33: Can Hugh Jackman get a spotlight, please?

8:32: I dig the jazzy rendition of Lawrence of Arabia. And I’m happy to see Hugh Jackman tonight … because he isn’t Whoopi Goldberg.

8:30: Here we go!

8:23: Thank you, Jack Black, for not playing along with the hyperbolic, overly effusive, inane interview process. About time a celeb made one of these morons work.

8:20: The difference between men and women. Penelope Cruz remembered a dress she saw eight years ago. I can’t remember what I wore yesterday.

8:17: Here’s how you can detect Hollywood class: Miley Cyrus, in a movie not yet released, says she hopes to be at the Oscars next year for that role. Anne Hathaway, an established A-lister at this point, says she “never expected to be here.” Advantage to Anne. My love deepens.

8:15: I hope that Miley Cyrus interview we just saw was taped. Otherwise she’s been on the red carpet for two hours.

8:13: Zac Efron, born in 1987, refers to Dev Patel, born in 1990, as “kid.” Ugh.

8:06: Brangelina blows off an interview with Tim Gunn as if they don’t know who he is. Which is probably about right. Gotta say, I’m really disappointed to see just Pitt and Jolie here tonight. I was sure the Academy Awards producers would have instructed them to bring all kids and perform “Edelweiss” or something.

8:05: There’s Frank Langella. I’m glad to see a veteran receiving some props, but his Nixon is an impression of Nixon impressions. Go on YouTube and find video of the real president. You’ll see what I mean.

8:03: Tim Gunn conducts an “interview” with Amy Adams in which he essentially talks about her in her presence. Not a promising start. Ryan Seacrest was about this intelligent over on E!

8:01: By the way, West Coast peeps: Good luck watching Barbara Walters’ interview with Mickey Rourke without getting choked up. I really want that guy to win tonight. I think it’s going to be Sean Penn, and he’s deserving, but this should be the year of Mickey.

8:00: Welcome to the live blog of the 81st Academy Awards. Allison’s Red Carpet Live Blog is still going strong, so open up another browser window and multitask, people.

Before we get going, some “exciting” news from the E! broadcast. Apparently during tonight’s Academy Awards, winners will be announced by previous Oscar winners, rather than the person (often a previous Oscar winner) who introduced the nominees in the first place. In other words, it now takes more stars to screw in a light bulb. Somehow his subtle change was still a little too complicated for the “talent” from E! to figure out. Said one of the dumb beauties: “So now there will be a big star on stage to tell us who won.” Wait, you mean as opposed to before, when there was a big star on stage to tell us who won? Yeesh. Hopefully ABC’s crew will be better, but I doubt it.

Red Carpet Live Blog

This live blog is by Allison Ross of the wildly entertaining Tales From LaLa Land. The following unedited, uncensored views aren’t necessarily those of The Cooler – which doesn’t mean they aren’t accurate, or hilarious. Enjoy!

(All times Eastern.)

8:30: OK! I am signing off. Well, from my live-blogging duties. Jason is taking over from here so you can comment on his new thread above. I need to sit back and enjoy Hugh Jackman.

8:25: For The Love of Ray J, why am I not at the bar? That's where Judd Apatow, Jack Black and Seth Rogan are. THAT is the place to be.

8:15: ABC isn't quite as juicy as E! because there was something trainwreckalicious about Seacrest. Miley: "Angelina is my favorite person ever." Why am I not surprised?

8:08: Angelina Jolie does not seem to be playing along anymore. Unlike Brad Pitt, I never have a problem buying into her characters. More than anything, I’m always a little sidetracked by how pretty she is. I thought she was phenomenal in Gia and Girl, Interrupted. That is the Angelina Jolie that seems more real to me. Sure, she was great in A Mighty Heart and Changeling, but I prefer the darker (more real) side of her. She used to be so much fun on the red carpet – long kisses with her brother, dry-humping Billy Bob Thorton and all sorts of wild. Now, she has perfected the most icy of cuntfaces you’ll ever find. She barely mumbles a word to reporters, and when she does, her answers are laced with hate and her look says, “I will have to cleanse my perfect soul after answering such ignorant questions.”

8:05: OK, we have a Laef sighting. He LOVES Tim Gunn, as do I. I am very curious to see the interviewing tactics on ABC. Ryan was terrible. It was somewhat painful. P.S. Where the fuck was Jennifer Aniston on E!'s preshow? SJP: You are not French, and it looks like Matthew Broderick would rather be someplace else.

8:00: Laef is just now getting around to the blog. He is reading the comments and cracking up. Brad Pitt stopped for Ryan Seacrest, but you could tell he was like, GFY. You could hear Ryan Seacrest say, "Here comes Angelina..." and then his microphone faded out. She obviously ditched him. Holy crap, Alicia Keys looks glam. Going over to ABC!!

7:52: Gulianna needs new panties. She is clearly obsessed with the Jolie-Pitts.

7:50: Jessica Biel looks like shit. I know that sounds weird to say because she is not ugly by any means, but that dress is horrid. And what is going on with her hair and makeup? I feel like I could have done that. On the flip side, Kate Winslet is gorgeous. Her personality combined with her confidence and high cheek bones make her an actress that I can feel good about liking. She seems so normal and friendly. Plus, she forgot Jesus', er, Angelina's name at the Golden Globes.

7:45: I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not sure about his hat, but he kills it in every role he plays. I have an idea for next year. They should give Ryan Seacrest an earpiece. On the other end there will be someone with knowledge about the movies and nominees. They can feed him decent questions. Marion Cotillard is so pretty and I am really feeling this midnight blue that seems to be everywhere. Angelina has her cuntface on. As usual. I can not wait to see her talk to Ryan Seacrest. If he is so lucky. Her dress is boring as fuck.

7:40: So, I like Evan Rachel Wood's dress. The shape that is. Why on Earth would she wear a dress the same color of her skin? She was washed out. Oh fuck. The golden couple has arrived. Prepare for some SERIOUS awkwardness. Mark my words.

7:35: Did Ryan Seacrest pay Queen Latifah to say, "You are the busiest guy in Hollywood, huh?" Because now he has a safety net. He has too many things to think about, and it's clear. I LOVE the deep blue color of her dress. I LOVE Anne Hathaway's dress. It's probably not something I would pick out for myself right away, but it's so glamorous and pretty.

7:30: Alright, Ryan. I know you have 17 different jobs, but you really should do your research on the nominees. He seems to not know anything about the nominees that aren't consistently A-List (Marisa Tomei). I mean, it's awkward when he says things to them that are just wrong. Mickey Rourke did great. He's still somewhat sober. And, his suit wasn't horrible. It wasn't a tux, but good for him.

7:23: OMG. Is there a more awkward couple than Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick? They seemed completely uncomfortable together. I mean, we all know that our men don't know the difference between midnight blue and black (nor do they give a fuck), but do we need to hash that out on the red carpet?

7:20: Time out. Cruel Intentions is one of my favorite movies. I had no idea that Amy Adams was in that. Oh wait. It was Cruel Intentions 2. I did not see that. And, although I say I am boring, I really do like her necklace. OK, here we go with this Robert Pattinson guy. I don't get what all the fuss is about so let me see if I can figure it out. Well, he does have vampire teeth, which seems to have helped him.

7:15: Awww shit. Here comes Mickey Rourke and Seth Rogen. Surely they can make Ryan Seacrest WELL aware of how fucking dumb he is. Natalie Portman is perfection. She always looks so pretty. And, to top it off, she's smart. Love her. The Glamastrator is not working. They obviously aren't working together with Jay. He is talking about necklaces and they are showing legs, etc. Laef just claimed that Amy Adams in not hot.

7:05: OK, seriously. I like Taraji P. Henson, but under no circumstances should anyone every see your Spanx. ESPECIALLY at the Oscars.

6:58: Where the crap is Angelina? Jennifer?

6:55: I want whoever did Freida Pinto's makeup to do mine for my wedding. And, I've about enough of the awkwardness of Ryan asking them if they are dating. Let them love this moment! Heidi Klum: No. I am not loving that dress or all the jewelry. Also, it looks like she had her hair done by Zak Efron's hair stylist.

6:50: They should have had John Madden work the Glamastrator. I mean, is this a football game? Welcome to Hollywood, Slumdog Millionaire stars, where Ryan Seacrest asks you awkward questions about your personal life. I have to pee. And, I'm more stressed out than when I have to pee at work. Like, I am scared if I go to the bathroom, I will miss something and this will be the worst live blog ever.

6:48: Ryan Seacrest is a dick. He is ompletely unprepared for the Slumdog Millionaire kids interview. If it was fucking Pax, Shiloh, Knox, et al, he would have said their names AND spelled them out. Twice. Did he just ask a 7-year-old what kind of dress she is wearing?

6:45: I am sure this comes as no surprise, but Laef is unable to comment on the The Cooler because he is, um, playing some video game. The Sanch is also not interested. I am sweating because I'm trying to do four things at once and the laptop is really hot.

6:40: Ryan: FYI, I don't think Kevin Kline was serious when he said he watches American Idol.

6:30: I wonder if Ryan Seacrest is secretly jealous of Zac Efron's eyes. OK, Vanessa Hudgens is cute, but she is not even remotely close to looking like Audrey Hepburn tonight. Not feeling that dress. And, not feeling her, in general.

6:30: Wow. Ben Lyons just threw down the gauntlet on Nascar and the NBA. And P.S. I am already tired of Miley.

6:25: It is hard not to feel giddy for the stars of Slumdog Millionaire. They are still so unaffected by Hollywood. You can almost feel their overwhelming awe of being there.

6:20: Hugh Jackman: Yum. Funny, cute, smart. Really looking forward to all of the things he will bring to the table. AND he has a signal for his wife??? I likey. I wish he would have used his middle finger as his signal for Giuliana Rancic. Her diamond was ginormous.

6:05: Miley's dress looks like it might weigh 400 pounds. I like it. It's fun and sparkly and whimsical. Her hair is boring. I heard Ryan Seacrest on America's Top 40 this morning, listen to him every morning on my way to work, watch him on American Idol and see him on most awards shows. When does he sleep?

6:00: Well, here we go. I am excited to be blogging about everything there is to see on the red carpet. After reading my LaLa Land blog last night, my mom called to ask how I got credentials to live blog at the Oscars. I had to break the news to her that the live-blogging will be done from my couch in sweatpants. There is no way I would subject myself to the traffic that is sure to be congesting the intersection of Hollywood and Highland. Things I am looking forward to: Will Angelina snub Ryan? If she decides to speak to him, how bitchy will her bitchface look? Is it too much to ask Angie to revert to her old ways just once and dry hump Brad Pitt the way she did Billy Bob Thorton? What kind of gems will Mickey Rourke say on the red carpet? Will Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer walk the carpet together and will John give an answer that causes Jen to spank him later tonight?

Allison will be online at 6 pm ET to begin her coverage. Please follow along (hit the refresh key often) and add your thoughts in the comments section. The Cooler's live blog of the Academy Awards will begin at 8 pm ET.

Read more of Allison at Tales From LaLa Land.

Celebrate Oscar Night: There's a party going on right here ...

Live-blogging the Academy Awards …

11:50: Over already? Wow. That actually went by pretty quickly for this blogger. Thanks to all of you who stopped by! And feel free to keep the comments coming tonight! I’ll be sure to follow-up with thoughts tomorrow. But for now this blogger (who has his alarm set for 5:03 am) needs to head to the after-party known as bedtime.

A wonderful night for celebrating a terrific year at the movies! Thanks everybody.

11:45: No Country For Old Men wins Best Picture, and I’m a happy camper. I’ve seen this film three times and it becomes more extraordinary each time. I believe it will go down as a genuine American classic. You know, I rooted for Gladiator the year it won (a down year) and for American Beauty before that (though my heart was and is still very much with Magnolia). But this is the first time since The English Patient that I wholeheartedly feel like the actual best picture of the year won the honor of Best Picture.

How are the rest of you feeling? Leave some thoughts in the comments section!

11:44: In a comment that will make even more sense next week (trust me), “This is it…!”

11:43: The Coens take Best Director, and I hope this is a sign of what comes next. Joel tells us that he and his brother have been making movies since they were kids. Would it be possible for Ethan to film his acceptance speech and post it on YouTube? Might be more expressive. Great filmmakers, awkward fellas.

11:40: I’m still pissed that Martin Scorsese’s Academy Award had to come for the crummy and over-praised The Departed.

11:35: Daniel Day-Lewis, who I believe has been wearing the exact same tux all awards season, kneels for the queen after getting the Oscar win for Best Actor that we all knew was coming. What a gracious man, and what a forceful performance! I have no objections to this win, but I have a hint of sadness for Tommy Lee Jones, who finally played restrained in the all too unwatched In The Valley Of Elah, and for Viggo Mortensen, who in Eastern Promises is just as bold as Day-Lewis without even approaching camp.

In his acceptance speech, Day-Lewis called his wife “enchantingly optimistic and open-minded.” Well, she’d have to be to wear that dress, wouldn’t she? See 8:13.

11:30: Is there anyone who doesn’t like Helen Mirren? And I said it last year and I’ll say it this year: she’s still bringing it!

11:25: Diablo Cody didn’t win Best Original Screenplay! Jane of the Jungle won! Wait, no. That’s Cody. Or whatever her real name is (honestly: does her husband really call her “Diablo”?). Hey, I’m a fan of Juno. It’s an original. But let’s hope it stays that way. Diablo: Is this a hint at your potential or the extent of it? Time will tell, home-skillet.

11:24: You’re down to a few more seconds until a former stripper is an Oscar-winning writer...

11:18: “Let’s move away from the dark side and back to the light,” says the Oscar-winning director of Taxi To The Dark Side, your Best Documentary winner. I loved No End In Sight and it’s a shame it goes home a loser. But, if you haven’t read it yet, I argued this week that a Taxi win could have a more significant effect on our present and future. Let’s hope so. See this movie, folks.

11:09: Atonement wins Best Score, and it could have gone no other way. Props to Dario Marianelli who had the balls to say, “I’m going to come up with a romantic score and add the sound of a typewriter to it ..." And he made it work. Brilliant!

11:05: We just paid our respects to all the movie artists who have left us this past year. Here at “The Cooler” we must give extra respect to Bud Ekins, who performed the famous motorcycle jump of Virgil Hilts in The Great Escape. Movie magic!

11:00: There Will Be Blood takes the Cinematography prize. It’s hard to top a burning derrick. A deserved win, and I'm happy to see this film get some love. Still, I have tremendous respect for the daring and transportive approach of The Diving Bell & The Butterfly. And this makes Edward Copeland calling The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford “the best Terrence Malick film that Malick didn’t make” all the more appropriate, because – like a Malick movie – it didn’t win.

10:59: Wow! Best Cinematography! Tough field. Can we go for a five-way tie?

10:58: Stewart brings Irglova back on stage to give the acceptance speech the orchestra didn’t give her a chance to deliver. That’s class. That’s what you want from a host! Well done!

10:50: Once wins for Best Original Song! Justice! Want to be enchanted? Look into Marketa Irglova’s eyes during this movie. Meanwhile, if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know this, Irglova and Hansard are a real-life couple...though the story about how he’s known her since she was 2 and he, um, wasn’t, is a little bit creepy. In fact, let’s crawl under the rock together and forget all about it, shall we?

10:49: New rule: If we have to suffer through performances of each song during the Academy Awards ceremony, then only one song per movie can be nominated. I’m done with Enchanted!

10:35: Robert Boyle picks up the honorary Oscar. Anybody who designed sets for Hitchcock is fine by me. In Cold Blood (I know; not Hitch) and North By Northwest: now I understand art direction and production design!

And this is one of the neat things about the Academy Awards: I go into tonight having never heard of Robert Boyle, and I leave feeling touched by the Academy’s recognition of his career. Cool!

10:30: What is Nicole Kidman doing with a chandelier hanging around her neck?

10:29: Bourne Ultimatum picks up its third win of the night, this time for Best Editing. A great pick here. I’m not a fan of the Paul Greengrass unsteadycam, but those fight scenes are amazing achievements in editing (and stunt choreography).

10:20: “Falling Slowly” from Once! Simply beautiful. Beautifully simple. Is it possible to watch Once and not fall in love?

10:13: Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress. And this isn’t her first award for this film, but I’m still calling this an upset. To beat the legendary Julie Christie and the hot thing of the moment Ellen Page is truly something. I haven’t seen La Vie En Rose (dammit), but I love Cotillard in Big Fish (a movie that reduces me to tears every damn time I see it). Good for her. And what a charmingly sweet acceptance speech!

Props, by the way, to Christie: I finally saw Away From Her and she’s nothing short of tremendous in a tricky role.

10:05: Appropriately enough, this Jonah Hill-Seth Rogan routine about who is more like Halle Barry feels almost as if it’s written by the supposedly brilliant Judd Apatow: mildly funny at first, then sweetly familiar, then tedious and interminable.

9:55: “That’s how you know…” is the refrain in the second song from Enchanted to be performed tonight. I love Amy Adams, and so I nearly went to this kid-targeted flick. Can’t say these songs are making me feel any remorse for missing it.

9:47: No Country For Old Men gets its second win of the night, this time in the category of Best Adapted Screenplay. Little Coen (Ethan) can’t come up with anything better than “Thank you.” Think Cormac McCarthy can scribble out an acceptance speech to adapt before Best Director comes up?

9:39: Tilda Swinton looks legitimately surprised to win Best Supporting Actress. Maybe that’s why she’s wearing a satin graduation robe with a sleeve missing.

9:18: Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor. Deservedly so. His Anton Chigurh is the most memorable monster since Hannibal Lecter. And if you haven’t seen The Sea Inside, put it in your Netflix queue right now. An amazing actor.

By the way: Remember that nanosecond when folks thought the “friendo” line was too quirky? Bardem has a certain milkshake to thank for that line evaporating from the over-scrutiny forum.

9:14: Best Supporting Actor montage includes "The Cuba Gooding Jr Moment." He got a standing ovation for that acceptance speech. And now he’s selling Hanes underwear. Draw your own conclusions.

9:11: Sweeney Todd wins for Best Art Direction. I’ve got to admit, I don’t quite understand the criteria of this category, but Sweeney Todd sure sounds like a deserving winner. Tim Burton’s films are always feasts for the eyes with tremendous ambiance.

9:08: The Golden Compass wins for Best Visual Effects. Amazingly four white guys we’ve never heard of before and will never hear from again each manage to speak before getting played off stage. Well done, fellas!

8:57: They’ve been calling Katherine Heigl the beautiful woman next door for months now, and I’ve never gotten it. Women who look like that didn’t even live in my neighborhood. But the trembling voice thing as she read the nominees for Best Makeup was endearing and very non-polished Hollywood. I still don’t buy her and Seth Rogan in Knocked Up, though. Not for a second.

8:54: Ratatouille wins the Oscar for Best Animated Film. Very deserving. It’s the best animated film since The Lion King. A masterpiece!

8:47: George Clooney, who always looks delicious, even to me, introduces the night’s first montage. It’s supposed to be a collection of 80 years of special Academy Award moments. Instead they mostly feel like outtakes. Bummer.

8:45: We’re at the first commercial break. To anyone following at home, let’s get that comments section going. If you could pick just one category tonight to ensure its winner, what would you pick? Which category matters the most to you tonight?

8:43: Elizabeth: The Golden Age takes Best Costume in the first award of the night. Well of course is does! I mean, were there even actors in that movie?

8:39: Stewart quips that usually when a woman or a black man are president that an asteroid is headed for the Statue of Liberty. Black-president remark is followed by a cut to Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes. It’s like a Republican National Convention.

8:36: This could go down as the line of the night. Stewart on Norbit, nominated for Best Makeup. “Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.”

8:34: Stewart on the dark themes found in several of tonight's nominated films: “Does this town need a hug? ... All I can say is thank God for teen pregnancy!”

8:32: Got our first obligatory Jack Nicholson shot of the night. Remember last year’s Academy Awards, when Jack was bald and we thought he’d lost his last marble and had truly gone insane, but it turned out he’d shaved his head for a role in The Bucket List, which was universally panned? I’d say advantage insanity, wouldn’t you?

8:30: Jon Stewart is back as our host tonight, and that makes me happy. His efforts to bring Daily Show shtick to the ceremony two years ago didn’t go all that well, but his taped introduction that concluded with him waking up in bed with Halle Barry and George Clooney was hilarious, and he’s a genuinely funny guy without an overbearing personality.

That’s what I want out of a host: someone who can open funny, give us at least one good adlib and generally keep the show moving along without annoying the piss out of me. Selecting my ideal hosts from the past 10 years, I’d go with Steve Martin No. 1, Billy Crystal No. 2, Jon Stewart No. 3 and Anyone Who Isn’t Whoopi Goldberg No. 4.

Which brings us to this… Anyone have any memorable host adlibs from recent Oscar ceremonies? I’ve got to go with the time Sean Connery wore that pirate-esque/Seinfeld-esque puffy shirt under his coat and Martin quipped that while some were wearing Armani, Connery was wearing “Red Lobster.”

8:27: Regis let’s us know that Javier Bardem goes by “Xavier.” Thankfully this boo-boo caps off the red carpet program. Time for the real deal!

8:23: Hillary Swank looks wonderful. Somewhere Chad Lowe is sobbing.

8:22: More stupid red carpet questions for a Best Actress nominee. To Ellen Page: ‘Your birthday was a few days ago, did you celebrate?’ Well, no. I figured I’d celebrate my birthday a week after it. You know, like everybody.

8:20: We’re at commercial, so it’s my chance to tell the West Coast peeps that they can pass on Barbara Walters’ interview with Ellen Page. Here’s what we learn: we don’t know anything about her. Thanks, Babs!

8:16: Regis Philbin asks Cameron Diaz about Daniel Day-Lewis’ habit of staying in character throughout a movie shoot. To illustrate what that looks like, Diaz stays in character as someone who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

8:13: Can someone explain to me why Daniel Day-Lewis’ wife is wearing a hood ornament on her chest?

8:08: We go to commercial with a shot of uber stars Marlee Matlin and Steve Guttenberg, who will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Hmm...is that an ABC show or something?

8:04: This just in: Edith Piaf, subject of La Vie En Rose, died in 1963, and Marion Cotillard played her anyway! Wow! Let’s just hand her the Oscar right now.

8:00: So, let’s see: I’ve been to two movies today and I’ve suffered through the Barbara Walters interviews. But I spy a red carpet, and I’m high on double-chocolate milano cookies (with a fresh bag nearby). So I guess that means it’s go-time!

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I dragged my feet on starting a blog until I could drag them no more. And then once I started blogging (albeit just a few weeks ago) I wondered why I’d dragged at all.

Which brings me to this: against my better judgment, tonight "The Cooler" will be live-blogging the Academy Awards (that means running commentary, blog neophytes; it doesn’t mean I’m at the Kodak Theatre). It’ll be punchy, it’ll be sloppy and it could be a one-time experiment for this writer. But it’ll give us something to do during those commercial breaks.

So get your favorite red-carpet attire from the dry cleaner or throw on your favorite pajamas. Either way, I’ll see you tonight!